Witness
by nodeerskulls
Summary: The Naruto world exists in the same map as ours, but in a hidden plane. The Akatsuki research and find about our world, and plot. As Jamie witnesses one of their missions in ours, she is thrown into danger, and her abandoned fandom changes her life.
1. Elephantine

"I knew this fucking fandom will get to me one day!" I yelled, hands clutched to my head, brain spinning. I was solely tempted to spin around in circles in despair, and really I was _this_ close to doing it.

But what exactly does manage to bring an almost (keep deluding yourself!_ Totally_, not almost.) insane person to the edge…edge of…edge of whatever mindfuck I am right now?

It is an interesting tale you see! A tale of megalomaniacs, and lunatics, and sugar and crickets and too much anime!

Before we start this most interesting tale (that if read by a specialist could possibly land me in the mad house), I should let you know some things about me.

My name is Jamie; I am 17 and live somewhere in Godforsaken Japan…because 'daddy' decided his skills would be better received in Japan. Yeah right, and I'm a purple unicorn. I bet it's because of that Japanese lady he was speaking with over the internet, and since my dad is quite the loon and mad scientist…well, let's just hope she gets scared when they will meet so I can get my ass back to good ol' Europe.

Back to data relevant to this story!

I used to be a huge animetard, until I finally grew out of it and moved on other stuff, like crafts and art and some other hobbies. My favourite anime used to be Naruto (but then again everyone and their grandmothers liked Naruto back then.) and I was a huge fantard. Had every manga, and accessories and plush toys and all kinds of other crap, until at 16, I realized it was too much.

I threw everything out, and continued watching the anime and reading the manga with mild interest instead of near-obsession. And at 16 and a half, after the Pein-Danzo-Konoha-blew-in-pieces arc I kind of lost interest and…just moved on. I still read the manga on good days when in the mood. Don't get my wrong, I loved Naruto, and the fandom, but I was getting older and something told me it was time to move onto better and bigger things.

Two weeks ago my dad decided I should move with him to Japan, never mind that perhaps I wanted to stay with mom, but hey, I'm underage, who gives a fuck about what _I_ think and want?!

My inner fantard (yes, it's still there. It will never go away, methinks) was secretly thrilled, because, hey, JAPAN! Dream land!

Not. Not. NOT.

After the first week my illusions were shattered and battered and gone trough the awful mud of reality. Japan wasn't perfect. I hated their school system already, uniforms and what-not. I barely grasp the language, so I need to practice every day; kanji are a pain. I don't know how to use chopsticks properly yet.

And the Japanese (or the ones I met) are not too kind with the foreigners. Sure, the teachers and adults I met were polite, but my fellow classmates seemed inclined to view me as some oddity.

So much for my dreams of Japan.

Anyway, I should stop with personal ramblings, and get on with it? (I somehow hear a chorus of exasperated 'yes's).

It all started one quite evening, in my little (dad's little) house at the outskirts of town. It was small, but very, very homey and comfy, and I think that it was, and still is, my favourite thing from all the 'Japan' deal.

I was sitting on the couch, Indian-style, watching some inane talk show, munching on some chips. It was extremely hot for some reason, and I was clad in nothing but a very large grey t-shirt that reached my knees and regular panties.

I was alone at home for the week (second week and you leave your daughter alone, good job, daddy!), since dad went to some society to negotiate selling his newest invention. Of course, that included a week of sleeping at a fancy hotel, ass-kissing, begging and convincing. Oh, how I pitied dad some times.

It was so hot, I even tied my hair. I never, ever tie my hair. It's my lion mane, as dad affectionately calls it. Why lion mane? It's frizzy and curly and brown and untamable. And I adore it. It goes well with my baby blues too.

No noise was outside, since the heat was so spread, not even air currents were produced. If I were to shut the tv, you could even hear my breaths. It was that quiet.

And it was odd. That, teamed with that odd feeling in the back of my head that something _isn't right_, did not make a good combination.

The silence was suddenly broken by and explosion in the distance. And then another, and another, and many more muffled ones after that.

I was shaking in fear, and all my thoughts revolved around Hiroshima, although I knew it was more than far fetched.

An odd glow engulfed the whole house, and I felt the need to cover my eyes. I was so, so scared, that I fell on my knees praying to God I would make it alive from whatever was happening.

The odd orange light was too bright, and the explosions kept on and on, until there was one big, final one, and the earth shook. The light subsided.

'It's over. Oh thank God it's over.' I thought, and reached shakedly for the front door handle, opening it slightly.

The sole neighbouring house was completely destroyed, and my house's walls were full of dirt. I could see in the distance a large impact crater, and some small one along the lane.

The remains of what I though was a battle were everywhere. The smell of blood and death hung in the air, and my breath hitched. It was horrible, and inhumane and unnatural the way it all looked, and I was so very scared I couldn't even budge.

Something rose from a big pile of dirt and all I could think was 'I need to get out of here', but it was as if my body was paralyzed.

I couldn't move, and I could just observe as the figure of a man rose. He was not much taller than I was, maybe an inch or two, but his aura was anything but unharmful. His whole figure seemed to emane something akin to power and bloodlust. He was with his back at me, and my brain was still trying to get myself to move. But I couldn't.

He turned round, and our eyes met. He had the most stunning icy blue I had ever seen, but his eyes (or more so, eye) were scaring me also. His outer appearance had nothing of the impression his presence gave to me. His blonde hair flickered with the wind in the weird light, and one would think him of an angel sent from Heaven, if not for the blood that stained his dark cloak and the expression of pure homicide written on his face.

At that point, I could finally move my legs, and made a dart inside the house. I was stopped by a strong grip on my arm. He jerked me away from the door, and turned me around, facing him and his very point object he now held at my throat. I was lloking at him like a scared mouse, wide eyed and pale-faced. I trembled like there was no tomorrow when he first started speaking.

His speech was clear and held a tinge of menace, but I could only understand scarce words of it. Apparently, he was speaking some sort of archaic Japanese (I can't even comprehend half of the regular one, archaic was way beyond my level!). All I could understand was "kill", "saw", "danger" and "you". This is not a very good combination, since it could mean I would face a very premature end.

He pressed the knife (but how well it resembled a kunai! My inner fantard observed) to my jugular, making me whimper.

He spoke once more, but all the words seemed so foreign to me.

"I don't understand you!" I whispered in submission, and his features smoothened a bit.

And then it just dawned one me…this wasn't any blonde! This was Deidara! From Naruto! And I was about to get killed by a supposed fictional character. My inner fantard fantard fainted, while I hoped and prayed it was all a very bad dream.

He seemed to think of something for a bit, and then started dragging me along with him down the destroyed lane. I didn't resist, since that could result in death, and to be clichéd, I was too young to die!

He yelled something, and a large bird erupted from the ground, probably hidden by him during the supposed battle. He slumped me over his shoulder, and then threw me on the bird's back. He made a few hand seals, and the bird started moving. I screamed, alarmed, and he glared at me. That shut me up immediately.

The bird took off.

The last thing I saw before we left the neighbourhood was my house blowing to pieces, swallowed in flames of a powerful explosion.

It took me all too much not to break into sobs right then and there.

Did I know something like that would happen? Definitely not. Was I entitled to think the fandom was screwing me over for abandoning it? Most definitely yes. So, what now?

* * *

Author's note:

Mary piping in! Hello, dear readers. I hope you like this first installments! Critiques are very welcome, as well as reviews and what-not.

**On with the story, and clarifications**

**Why did Deidara take Jamie?**

He was initially planning to slitting her throat and be done with, since she was a witness to what happened, but he thought better of it. A murder would attract media and police attention, whereas explosions would be blamed on methane gas; the fewer victims the better. On a whim, he decided that she may be useful to their purpose (which will be revealed soon), and that "modern" information would do good. So he took her blew the house to destroy evidence, and off they were.

**What are Naruto characters doing in the modern world?! The hell, woman!**

I plan on making the Naruto world somehow work with the current world map, as well as explain why they have not had contact or not know about Japan and the other continents. I have a theory of why the Akatsuki sent men in Japan and other parts of the world, as well and how they know of them. Plot, plot, ploooooot 3.


	2. Lionbane

**CHAPTER 2 : LIONBANE**

**

* * *

  
**

It was all quite more than surreal, to fly. I felt the air around my face, and saw the ground below me, and yet I felt earthed, sitting on his giant clay bird.

He was sitting a foot in front of me, cross-legged, looking the most comfortable in the world, while I was desperately wishing for something to latch on.

Railways and forests ran underneath me, cities were swallowed into the horizon as more and more hours passed. I was getting very sleepy, but even I knew falling asleep on an uneven surface, in motion, with a criminal near me wasn't a good idea.

To pass the time, I started counting things. 457 poles, 894 trees, 7 cities, and so on. I always had a knack to counting things, it chased boredom away.

Deidara was silent in front of me, and I guess it made sense: he probably realized that I couldn't understand half of what he was saying. The gears were turning in my head: how could Naruto characters be real? Could it be possible that maybe the Naruto world had clashed with our own or something similarly sci-fi and ludicrous?

Or was it a personal revenge from my inner fantard for abandoning our favourite fandom in favour of other things?

Whatever it was, I was more than screwed.

As a breeze whizzed underneath us, I realized the awful but-not-so-serious truth. I was on the same bird as a pyromaniac, dressed in nothing but a t-shirt and my blue panties (hawt. But ever-so-indecent.), to be possibly taken into the Naruto world, get tortured, get killed or used in some sort of gruesome way. Ain't that a wonderful prospect?

Do you know that feeling, when your stomach does summersaults, and you think you're hungry, but you don't want any food because you don't think the food you want is even real? I had that feeling. And for me, that feeling either warned me about impending doom or that something extraordinary was going to happen.

After a few hours of flight, we reached the sea, and traveled under the influence of ocean breeze and salted air. In the distance, I could see what my geographical knowledge dictated to be Hokkaido Island.

With my geographical skillz (with a z, because I am a geography Olympic, so ha!~) I predicted we were about half way towards it. Was the Naruto world in Hokkaido and no one was able to find it? Or were more edgy ninja skills involved in this deal?

As we flew more and more I felt the the same suffocating, elephantine sensation I felt when Deidara first appeared. I hated that sensation, it made me feel small, and powerless, and need I say I was already scared shitless again?

Deidara stood up from his spot, and started mumbling and doing hand signs.

Snake.

Rat.

Snake.

Rabbit.

Ram.

(Seriously, how much of a fantard I was?! It's abnormal to recognize hand signs!)

The air started to ripple and shift, and ahead of us appeared what it looked like some sort of air cell, surrounded by much turbulence. And Deidara was heading the bird right into it!

"Are you crazy. You're going to get us ripped to pieces!" I yelled, and clutched to the bird.

I knew he was a maniac, but really, if he wanted me dead, he could've slit my throat and spared me of all the trauma of being kidnapped and all. And if he was so much of an admirer of dying like an idiot, he could've just used his arson skills and blew himself up!

"Shut up, stupid, un."

Okay, that I understood. Perhaps he was trying to be considerate and speak in short and simple words to make me understand?

Yeah. Right. And Itachi's a pink emo fairy of doom.

The bird edged closer and closer, until its head entered the violent turbulences. I closed my eyes shut.

'Mom, I love you. Dad, I love you. World, I love you. God, I love you, so pleeeease don't let me die.'

I felt the wind snapping at my flesh and skin, and the air whipping my hair back and forth and up and down, but I didn't dare open my eyes once.

When it was all over, I opened my eyes and saw many unknown land run underneath the bird.

Possibly the Naruto world.

The bird started losing altitude slowly, like an airplane, until it reached about 500 feet above the earth. I could see a village forming at the horizon.

In half an hour, the sun started to set, and we were flying by the outskirts of the village.

Nightfall came, and we were again losing altitude again.

It started raining.

We were in Ame.

And that's when I started to truly loose it. The air was filled with impending doom for me, and I could barely hold back a whimper, as the bird took of even faster, towards a tall building in a hidden part of the village. I was just about to cry in fear, but I didn't. A girl has to keep her pride, no?

Deidara made the bird land, and grasped my arm again, tugging me along with him past metal gates and brick walls.

The hideout was plain, but tasteful, nonetheless. I assumed the tasteful part might've been Konan's hand. The walls were a light grey, clean and without decorations. The floors were wooden, probably because it was more convenient, for cleaning and all.

Deidara's pace was fast, and I sensed something akin to worry coming from him. He was probably regretting bringing me along because Pein would kick his ass. And I would laugh. Oh, how I would laugh if he got his ass kicked and I got my ass sent back home (or at least what was left of it), memory erased and all! (So harry potter-esque, no?).

He turned to me and gave me a very nasty glare. I returned it tenfold, but then remembered I was dealing with a pyromaniac criminal and dropped it.

He muttered something, and I grasped something akin to "stupid girl", "had to" and "mad". God, do I hate archaic speech.

After a long walk and some steep sets of stairs, we reached a long corridor, and after much huffs and puffs (mostly on my part, I'm awfully out of shape), we enter some sort of study.

A large window was on my right, flanked by the same boring grey walls. The room was bare, aside form some large cabinets and random weapons.

In front of me there was a large table, and at the table sat none other than the local megalomaniac with a God complex, Pein! Teh Leader! Teh Awesome!

I never imagined that his hair would be that shade of orange in real life too.

He looked very imposing, sitting stiff in his seat, while the light coming from the window glinted menacingly in his piercings. He motioned for Deidara to leave with a swift movement of his hand.

I was alone…in a room. A stuffy room, mind you. I was alone in a room with the leader of the baddies in my oh-so-vengeative fandom, and I was probably about to…you know, get torture, murdered and all that.

"Good evening, miss…?"

"Erm…Jamie."

"You are wondering why you were brought here, yes?"

I nodded. I noticed he spoke modern Japanese, so I had high hopes for understanding what he wanted to say to me.

Okay, maybe I wasn't going to get murdered. Hopefully. Maybe. Oh, screw my disillusions, murder was possibly the least dangerous and awful thing they could do to me.

"Sit." He ordered, and searched for something in a cabinet near by.

He handed me a world map, our world map, but with slight modifications. In between Hokkaido Island and Japan there was a representation of the Naruto world, surrounded by a blue circle formed of kanji.

On various countries were other writings and annotations, but I couldn't decipher the old kanji.

He walked over to me, and started putting his finger on the map.

"This…" he said, and pointed to Naru-world, "is what you call 'Naruto world'."

I blinked at him as he sat back.

"You see, our world and yours have coexisted many years in the same plane, but were never aware of each other due to the invisibility and avoidance seal depicted there."

"But…that seal must be hundreds, if not thousand years old!"

"It is. No one knows who made it, or who put it there. But only me and a few select members of my organization know about it. It also seems that somehow, information from our world leaked, or maybe hit a subconscious point in your people, and stories began floating, so called 'Naruto' manga and anime. We think it's a secondary effect of the seal.".

"So, Akatsuki discovered that there is more beyond your world and plan to do…what exactly?"

He chuckled, and took the map from my prying hands.

"As you may have noticed, your world is far more advanced technologically than ours. And we plan to use that to our own advantage."

"So, what you are planning is to get past the seal, which you've already done, get some nukes and guns and exterminate Naruto world to bring universal peace and what not? But if so, why didn't Deidara slash my neck, hide my body, and you know, be done with?"

"Although we know that there are far more advanced weapons and technology…"

I interrupted him, a very bold move on my part.

"So, you know the big picture, but not the details?"

"Yes. You could prove useful. You have the knowledge necessary, and apparently, you know what is going to happen in the future."

"You sparred my life to use me as a source of information? And if I help you, what happens after? You nuke Konoha, destroy the ninja world, and then what? You proceed to destroy the whole world for peace?"

"My interest lies in my world, not yours."

"No offence, but wanting war for peace is like fucking for virginity."

He seemed to tense up in anger, and I could almost swear he was about to blow me to pieces. He gave me a cold glare, and his cold hand encircled my throat, pressing not so gently.

"You will help us. And you will give me the information I need. Or you will pay with your life." He warned, as his grip tightened. It was tight, but loose enough to let me breathe.

There was no way I'd let the megalomaniac put his hands on nuclear weapons and God-knows what else. Not only he would destroy the Naruto world, and everyone in it, but it could possibly cause a cataclysm in our world too! He was insane, and I regret never realizing that and not taking it seriously when I read the manga.

I used to laugh at it, but now here I was, under his wrath, and menace.

So, between struggles for air, I gave him the only logical answer.

* * *

AN: A cliffhanger, oh noes D:

Sorry guys, I'm a bitch, I know. But fear not, chapter 3 is in the oven, baking and making itself ready for publish ;)

Thanks SamXwazXhere and x-evaXOXO for the reviews *hugs*


	3. Lionheart

**CHAPTER 3 - LIONHEART**

Between desperate attempts for air, I gave him the only logical answer.

"Fuck you. I'm not helping you destroy the world."

He threw me against the wall, and I gasped at the impact. My back was hurting like a bitch, and I be damned, if I broke a rib or something, I only hoped it wouldn't puncture my lung. I coughed up blood and almost fainted at seeing the red liquid.

"You will help us." He said in an eerie voice, as he grabbed my arm and picked me up. "You will give me the information I need. Or there will be worse consequences than killing."

My eyes widened. He did not just go there. Orange bitch did not just go there.

I had to do something. And as I knew myself, it had to be something possibly stupid and/or dangerous and possibly life threatening.

And guess what Jamie did?

I bitch-slapped one of the most dangerous criminals in the world. And by some miracle it worked. He was so surprised at my action, that he let go.

I scrambled on the floor quickly, got up and ran for my life. Out of the room, out of the corridor, past the living areas, past large doors, and out in the open. I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck as I felt his presence getting closer to my location.

I ran faster, although I knew I was no match for him. I ran so hard that even if my feet burned and my lungs ached, I couldn't make myself stop.

'Run now or die'.

That was my mantra. I repeated it in my head with each step, with each desperate attempt to breathe.

I felt what was without doubt his chakra on my trails.

All of a sudden it subsided, only flickerings of it tingling my spine.

I was so tired, so tired. Too tired to think, too tired to breathe, and almost too tired to function, as I reached the other outskirts of Ame.

It was the first time I was running for my life. And this may sound masochistic and stupid to you, but I loved the surge of adrenaline trough my veins. I loved the way my muscles ached, the way I was fighting back even if I knew I was going to get caught.

A half an hour later of running I was in a large field. It was then that my muscles betrayed me, and I collapsed. I couldn't move anymore, and felt pain in my whole body. I felt something getting close to where I was.

I was so screwed.

And it all went black.

I woke up in a very dark room. I couldn't see a thing, and for a moment I wondered if I actually opened my eyes at all, or if I'd gone blind.

It was dark, and I am very, very afraid of the dark. I was trapped, cold, possibly to be killed later, and not in my world in the least. That's all I could think of when I broke into muffled sobs.

"Where the hell am I?!" I yelled, very oblivious to my predicament, and very much groggy, what happened early temporarily forgotten.

Realisation came after about 10 minutes in the dark.

"Oh." And there was light.

I hated reunions with awful memories. Made me want to puke. Literally.

I wondered if dad arrived home already, and if he saw our blow-up house and the neighbourhood in ruins. My parents were probably worried sick.

I wanted to stay alive, and live another day to see my parents and friends, but I could only do that if I helped Akatsuki get their hands on the technology.

So, to recapitulate it all: it was dark, I was hungry, I had to help them criminals or die in the process.

The door cracked open slowly, and I covered my eyes with my hand.

"Ohoho, a new bitch to torture. Fun." A voice leered.

Oh crap, Hidan. Of all people, it had to be Hidan and his big-ass scythe that was almost twice my size.

"Hello there, bitch." He sneered, smiling that little psychotic smile of his I loathed so much in the Asuma arc. His scythe glinted dangerously in the little light there was, as he extended it to reach very near to my neck

.

Only inches away from my jugular. Mere centimetres and my blood would spoil the wooden floor.

"Say, leader said you were a tough whore. Running the fuck away and all that while he was being all fucking nice with your ass."

The scythe touched the heated skin on my neck.

'I could allow a moment of egoism…' I told myself, and yet I couldn't bring up one reason to accept their offer. Sure, I might've gotten killed, but I would've died with pride. If I accepted, I would live a life in shame and have thousands on my conscience.

Decisions, decisions.

So, again, I decided to be the brave idiot, and idly mouthed:

"Fuck you."

His face contorted in anger, and as his scythe swung back and then forth, I could only think about stupid things like: why am I able to understand them all now? Who retrieved me? And the ever-present: 'mom I love you, dad I love you, world I love you, God I love you too, so please don't let me die' mantra.

Oh God, I had so much to live for. Why sacrifice myself for others? Why, why why…those thoughts just swirled trough my head, all in a fraction of a second.

I came to the realisation I was doing this because if I would not suffer, many would. I always wanted to die a hero and be remembered. Well, look at me – to die a hero, but not be remembered. Well, half the deal was there.

All these thoughts in a pinch of time. His scythe was shifting the air, I felt it close, too close, so close it could slash my skin so easy, spill my blood, let me be done with all this. I could almost abandon in the feeling.

But the scythe did not move more. Impending doom was still curled tightly at the far end of my stomach, but it was starting to loosen up. Maybe Hidan was human and took pity.

I pried my eyes open, and saw flickering of gold against the light coming from the door. He was there, standing tall, gripping with a calloused hand the handle of Hidan's scythe. The light was blinding, and from elephantine and devilish, my vision of him turned to something very weird: like that, Deidara seemed to me my guardian angel. Because he stopped that weapon from being the end of me.

Hidan started cursing, and grabbing the handle more forcefully, yanked the scythe from Deidara's hand.

"Leather's orders, hmm." Deidara prompted, and taking my arm, yanked me from the floor into an upwards position.

"I was supposed to fucking interrogate her, she-male!" Hidan yelled, and Deidara's grip tightened against my arm in anger.

"Fuck off, Hidan, un. Leader said the plan changed."

Hidan grunted, and left, mumbling profanities, obviously disappointed someone stopped his sadistic pleasure

.

Deidara nudged me forward.

"I'd say yes to Leader if I were you, un; apparently your daddy is good friends with Leader-sama."

Waaaaait. Wait a fucking minute. Pause. Rewind! My dad, the crazy inventor, is friends with the Leader of the Akatsuki? When the hell did that happen?!

"Stop gawking, kid. You look stupid, hmm."

"Fuck you, blondie." I spat, taking out my anger on him; another stupid decision, because as you all may know, 'blondie' could blow me to pieces and use my guts as key chains if he wanted to

He glared at me. "I swear you have a mouth as dirty as Hidan's, un." Then, he sarcastically added "It ain't graceful for a lady to do that."

The nerve!

"Yes, well you should know all about being lady like."

"Shut your trap, lionel."

"Lionel? Lionel?!" I screeched.

Deidara did not just pull the lion card on me.

Oh, another lion related nick name, just what I needed. I always got those. It might be the hair. Or it might be because I'm born under the sign of Leo. Or because my face looks, as dad (damn traitor!) said, quote unquote "very much like a lion's, especially when you're angry at something.".

"Yes, lionel."

I kept my mouth shut. Better not anger the pyromaniac, yes? Aside from that, all the near death experiences kind of worn me out.

He lead me to the same room as before (which I dubbed as "Pein's secret fun layer").

"Good luck, lionel." He said, and smirked maliciously.

Being the very mature person I am, I stuck my tongue at him. In response, he raised his hands and stuck the tongues of his two hand-mouths.

My eyebrow twitched.

"Cocky bastard…" I muttered. Figures he would use the mouths as a response to my childish affront.

"I heard that!" he yelled, while making his way out of the corridor.

Was it more or was an S-ranked criminal being friendly to me? Must've been the Leader telling him I am a valuable asset to their gang because of my so-called knowledge.

"Erm…hi." I saluted, and shut the door behind me, albeit reluctantly.

Pein was seating at his desk, very calm in figure (highly zen!) and a posture that said something along the lines of 'I am not pleased with your stunt, sit the fuck still or else.'; or something along those lines.

And low and behold! Right near to him was daddy dearest. Silent fuming followed. Death glares galore (from my part, really; I'm such a bitch). Daddy didn't even have the decency to look ashamed of associating himself with the local "mafia" (because really, Akatsuki is something akin to Yakuza if you ask me.)

"Hello, Jamie."

"Hiiii, daddy." I snared. I loved my dad, but really…how could he…argh! First Japan, now this.

Pein smirked.

"As Deidara may have informed you, your father works with us, and therefore, if you know what is good for you, you will join this 'family' business of ours."

"Dad! You can't possibly let him do this to me, to us! Right?"

No answer.

"Right?!"

Silence.

"Dad! It's a lie, right? You're not helping some criminals, right?"

My voice was getting hoarse at that point. My biggest childhood hero had just stepped from his column. Wait, screw that, my childhood hero had just taken the appearance of a crazy mad scientist.

I knew his intellect was highly searched in the scientific community, but to this extent?!

"Dad?"

My father responded only with a slight inclination of his head.

"You see, Jamie, you will provide us with the plans, since your child-appearance can be very deceiving, and your father will build the weapon for us."

"You know, I think there is a whole new type of insane if you think anyone would give me the plans to a nuclear weapon."

"Find them on that internet thing of yours, then."

"Why don't you guys get them themselves? Relying on a child, as you consider me, is not really a smart evil plan."

Pein sighed, and motioned to my father. My dad gave him a small piece of technology, something resembling a remote control. Pein's hand moved to touch it, and at a centimetre distance, the whole device blew up!

I cringed.

"Their chakra doesn't work well with technology. It makes it go hi-wire or explode." My father explained.

Wait…if their chakra doesn't get along with technology, how are they going to built a nuclear weapon?

I vocalized my question and they gave me strange looks. Pein's face broke into a devilish grin.

"Who said we were going to work with the bomb? Your father will build it, and launch it."

THEY HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.

I think my face was a mixture of disgust So, not only my dad turned into a mad scientist, but a murdered soon too! Yay? Nay. Repeat with me: FUCKING NAY. This could not be happening to me. That could not be my dad. No way. No frikkin' way.

After my inner melt-down (pun not intended, but let's say it was!), I just….

….quit. Because there wasn't anything else to do. I am a mere 17, no physical condition at all, no ninja skills, no hugely powered brain, nothing. To rebel meant to disappoint my father (again), and to fight S-ranked criminals.

I was always the stubborn one, but I guess this time I just needed to know when to call it quits. I didn't need to make my father unhappy by opposing. I didn't need to make my mother unhappy by getting myself killed.

What was I, a seventeen year old girl, supposed to do?

"Okay." I mumbled. I could almost feel the tears of humiliation (more so humiliation of my broken spirit) start pooling in the corners of my eyes.

My dad came towards me, and gave me one of his rare bear hugs.

"I'm proud of you, squirt." He said, and disvelished my hair. He then walked out the door, singing a happy tune. Where the hell was his sad/ guilty face from before? Oh, dad…

FUCK YOU. NO, WAIT, FUCK YOURSELF.

Just now you decided to give me the biggest sign of affection in the last months.

You are a dick, dad. For doing this to me, and emotionally bribing me into this.

And I still love you despite it all. Even though you are a mad scientist, a lousy excuse for a father (I mean really, who gets their kid in this kind of stuff? Who? WHO?! Only you, daddy dearest.). And a mild sociopath, for all it seems.

'On a related note, I should check the net to see if he is a sociopath or not.'Because goddamn, he fit all the characteristics I knew.

My head whirled back to Pein, who smiled ever-so-knowingly.

"Deidara is waiting for you at the door. I must say he is getting rather impatient."

A loud thud was head, and a whail.

"SHUT UP TOBI, UN!"

Oh poor, poor Tobi.

"You can go now."

Stupid megalomaniac, patronising me.

With hard steps, I made my way trough the door and opened it. I assisted to a mildly entertaining display of wrestling, main characters being Deidara and Tobi. I closed the door.

"Am I supposed to treat you like serious S-class criminals while you wrestle like two teenage girls?"

Ah, again, my mouth decides to talk ahead of my brain and get me in trouble.

And with that, Tobi got his attention distracted and was sent flying into a wall by a very well placed foot-in-face, courtesy of Deidara.

Deidara turned towards me, smirking.

"Well, looks like we have a 'commoner' with us from now on. Daddy's little girl, I heard, yeah."

"Fuck off." I spat.

"I was just joking, no need to get your panties in a bunch, un.". He laughed.

Tobi followed us down the hallway, small pieces of concrete still falling from his cloak from time to time.

"Neeee-chan!" he cooed, childish smile in place.

(A/N: the following sentence might be a spoiler for some of you, regarding the true identity of Tobi.) Wow, Madara, you could just win an Oscar with this performance.

"I'm sure we're all going to be good friends! And I'm sure you'll be happy here!"

"Oh yeah, my life as I know it is ruined, my dad is mad scientist, I can't go back home, etcetera. I am sooooooo~ delighted. You know what?"

"What?" he echoed.

I put on a very sappy (fake) face, and cooed:

"Let us frolic and prance in youth and spring-time!"

There. I pulled a Gai on them. With a great sense of satisfaction, I grinned at Tobi's odd body language that clearly said 'Mkay, she's mad, but let's play along for the sake of my secret evil plot.'

He clapped his hands onto mine, and we grinned like two idiots.

I could almost hear Deidara cringe in the background.

"You're being sarcastic, un…right?"

"Duh."

Tobi had the decency of looking disappointed, while Deidara seemed relieved.

Heh. Maybe life with Akatsuki wouldn't be so bad.

Walking. Walking. More walking. My feet started to hurt, since they were bare and all.

'Waaaaaaaait. Wait. I'm still in my t-shirt and panties. I am oddly indecent. Oh well.'

They lead me to a small room on a top floor. Deidara, seemingly mannered, pushed to door open.

"This is your room, un. Clothes are in the closet, bathroom is trough that door. Kisame's room is next to yours, and mine is across the hall. We'll be checking on you from time to time."

Oh, a window…escape plan?

"Oh, and by the way, un. There are explosive tags close to the window encase you want to escape."

And with that, he closed the door, and left me alone in my room.

Crap. There goes my plan down the drain.

So, maybe you are thinking: 'Didn't this broad say she wanted to quit struggling?'. Yeah. Well, I changed my mind half-way trough my delightful journey down the hall.

Dad is a sociopath, clearly, so I really shouldn't base my decision on him. If I'm smart enough, I'll escape, and therefore, no nuk…

'Wait. Why didn't dad get the plans himself? He could have. '

Gazing out the window in the starlit night, I figured out I had to have a bigger role in this whole plan than what they told me.

Problem was, which? And why, and for or with whom?

* * *

AN: Hello, hello, hello~! Thank you for reading this third instalment.

Q&A tiem!

Is Jamie's dad really a sociopath.

Ayup, he is.

That is all, methinks XD

Anyways…thanks for the reviews and for your time etcetera etcetera etcetera. I love you all~


	4. The Jackal Looms

Cough.

Sneeze.

Hrrrrn.

Okay, lesse:

Stuffy nose? Check.

Bloodshot eyes? Check.

Hacking and coughing and sneezing? Ayup, checkity check check check.

'Oh great, I got a cold. Joy. '

Somehow, I wasn't surprised by that. I always was the one to get a cold in importune moments. Not to mention riding a bird at high altitude in naught but your favourite pair of panties and a very light t-shirt tends to do that to you. Oh well, another reason for me to hate Deidara and that stupid organization.

I groggily got down from the bed…well, not really. I actually fell head first, tangled in the sheets, but really, that's not the point. Nor is the loud thud resulted.

I opened up the closet door, and started to rummage for some decent clothing. Clothing that preferably covered me up and kept me warm, because God knows I didn't need pneumonia on top of the goddamn cold I have now.

If mom where here, she'd probably cry out "swine flu!" and hand me over to the nice young men in their clean white coats at the local hospital. Gosh, how I missed mom and her phobia for anything disease-related.

I always wondered how she and dad hit off, as they are polar opposites. He is rarely affectionate, while she is a cuddler; he is logical, while she is whimsical and so on. No wonder they have such a mentally fucked up offspring.

More story, less personal crap, you fellows cry out.

After finding a t-shirt that didn't look like a tent and some standard shinobi pants, I decided I should go and 'socialize' and 'make friends'.

I ran down the stairs, making sure I did lots of noise in the process (goddamn fuckers wouldn't know what will come to them. I will annoy them until they regret kidnapping me.). I jumped the last four steps, landing with a very resonant thud. I heard some groans from upstairs.

I hoped it was blondie.

'He dragged me into this, so I'll make it an objective to annoy him even more than Tobi does.'

I made my way to where I thought should be the kitchen…and stumbled trough a broom closet. A very stuffed broom closet that proceeded to spill its contents all over me.

After a few strangled moans of pain (who knew broomsticks could hurt so much?!), I finally managed to unbury myself from all the mess.

I never thought the Akatsuki would be the domestic types, but I guess that someone had to clean the base; and I really doubted they had maids or butlers, as it would be extremely dangerous for them. Said maid or butler could always be a spy, or a liability in case of attack.

The morning sun was peeking out from the scarce windows in the long hallway (why did this base have so many hallways anyway? It was like some big maze or something.). The base was positively empty, save for the owner of the groans from early.

It looked incredibly eerie, and I could feel the hair on my neck stand up when I heard shuffling upstairs. I calmed myself, and continued my explorations.

There were lots of empty rooms, and lots of staircases and such. It must've been a strategic decision – the more tangled, the harder to find something, get into or find your way out if you were a stranger. Very witty. Then again, I shouldn't expect less from the most powerful evil organization in Naruto world.

I finally found the kitchen, albeit with difficulty. I quickly rummaged trough the fridge and cabinets, helping myself with some food.

As I munched onto what I like to call "a redneck sandwich", Deidara made his appearance in the kitchen. I resisted the urge to laugh out loud at his slouched pose and bed hair.

"Someone isn't a morning person." I taunted.

He grumbled something incoherent, and with a swift motion, snatched my mug of coffee from the table, and began to take in large gulps.

"Hey! Who told you could take my coffee?" I yelled, and tried to snatch it back; with no avail though, since he stepped to the right and avoided me and my hand.

I quickly straightened myself and made another go, but unfortunately I tripped on one of his legs (accidentally, he said. Accidental my ass.) and had a very nice meeting with the tiled floor.

I could hear Deidara's boisterous laughter behind me, and my nerves started to boil. Time to fight dirty.

"If you don't give that coffee back, I'll tell Leader."

What can I say, I'll do anything for coffee in the morning.

He gave me a very blank look and the erupted into more laughter.

"And what are you going to say?"

Riiiiiiiiight. I didn't think he had the brain to figure out my bluff.

He striked what he thought was a girly pose, and with a high pitched voice imitated (tried, really, because there was no way in hell I sounded like that)

"Ohhh, Leader-saaaaama, Dei-Dei is being mean to me! Make him stoooop~" he said, and put on the most ill-made puppy face I had ever soon.

"Okay first of all blondie, you don't have the skills to do a puppy face. Second, I don't sound like a fucking rat on helium. Thirdly, Dei-Dei?" I asked, a smirk on my face.

His smirk faded. Had he just realized I would never let that pass and that nick-name will stick? Oh yes, you betcha he did.

"Fourth, for one that looks so much like a girl, you sure has heck don't sound like one."

Needles to say, a minute later I emerged from the kitchen (which was currently drowned in a cloud of smoke), coughing violently and smelling like the toast you forgot to take out of the toaster for an hour.

The edges of my (beautiful!) hair were somehow burned, and my clothes were pretty much roasted, not to mention my face had the prettiest shade of ash-grey that must be.

So, to sum this all up: Deidara really blows people up when he's mad. And I'm still wondering to this day how I survived said explosion.

"Hey, smells like burned cat." I heard Kisame's deep voice say.

'Oh fuck, public humiliation too?'

As he turned the corner, with his gorgeous partner (GET BACK IN inner fangirl, get the fuck back in! Someone, get me my flamethrower.), Itachi Uchiha.

And when they saw me…well, let's say Kisame's laughter is as loud as an airplane taking off, and Itachi's subtle 'wtf?' look is priceless.

"Hey! I'm Jamie. I was just kidnapped to help you guys get some nuke plans for my dad to build."

Kisame's 'wrf' face was even more priceless than Itachi's. And I think that if the Uchiha wasn't so stoic all the time, he would've gagged at the way I introduced myself.

"By any means, I am sorry if I startled you! I was just running away from Deidara's wrath!"

Being random and freaking them out was going to turn out to be my main source of entertainment

They both blinked.

"Anyways, do you happen to know why I can understand you all even if I fail at Japanese?"

Well…I had to ask somebody, no?

"Translation Jutsu."

Oh, Itachi, ever so talkative. By the time he answered, I heard Deidara's furious scream in the back.

"Ah, gotta run!"

And I was off to my room, locking the door and giggling like a mad woman. Being confined to my room to avoid Deidara for the rest of the day gave me the opportunity to think the situation clearly.

For a whole day, I just sat on my windowsill, gazing at the distance, and pulling myself and my thoughts together.

Even if I appeared happy and carefree, and ready to joke with criminals…I was really, really afraid. Afraid of the outcome, of what I might have to do with it.

I am a being terribly afraid of major change. A good example would be my move to Japan – a 180 degree turn of my life, even though I loved my dad deeply.

Speaking of my dad…in the few weeks after our move he acted strangely, and I had the sensation Pein and Madara were involved in this.

He was not himself. My father was a kind, scatter-brained scientist, a loving, but strict man, with high morals and many principles. What I saw in Pein's office was a sociopath with no heart, and the weeks in Japan he was absent, and I sometimes caught him almost motionless, staring blankly at a point or another on the ceiling; in any way, that man could not be my father.

A knot found its way into my stomach – what if my father was dead? What if they killed him, and someone, or something, took his place? Him being one of Sasori's puppets was more than far-fetched, because if Tobi was here, then Sasori was six feet under, ass-kicked by Sakura and Chiyo. But then, how…?

The door opened slowly, cringing from its hinges, disturbing my thoughts. My father (I was somehow wary of using the word 'dad' from my realization). He was carrying a laptop in one hand, while in the other he had some sort of strange device.

He set them on the small table (that I obviously did not notice – when the hell did that thing get in the room?! I could almost swear…).

"Jamie?"

"Hmm?"

"I brought the laptop. The device here is an antenna. You have two months to find some suitable plans."

I nodded stiffly, my eyes already stinging, as he turned his back at me and close the door without even a 'Good Night'.

No matter how busy he was, when he was home with me, when I was little, dad would always come I went to bed. He would give me a gentle kiss on the forehead, and tuck me in. He was always my favourite parent.

And now…he didn't even acknowledge me when he left.

I broke down into silent, muffled sobs, wiping the tears with the hem of my shirt.

Who was this man, and what did they do to my father?

I had to do something.

AN: Sorry for taking so long with this one…but real life just sneaked up behind me…school started, my mother gave birth to my beautiful baby sister a few days ago…and well, life is awesome but it keeps me busy. Hope you all like this one.


	5. The Cowardly Lion

CHAPTER 5 – COWARDLY LION

Dawn stretched like eager fingers grasping the night sky, taking away the stars and replacing them with a butter blush prickling at my skin. The air in the room was fresh and smelled like the many vague flowers of the trees surrounding the base. One would think a place like this would smell like dread and death and remorse, but it smelled just like after a rain at home…the perfume of grass and damp bark and flowers and morning was so pleasant I could almost imagine I was back home.

It was my third morning into Naruto world, and I felt surreal, lying in my bed, covered in warm blankets. It felt just like home, and I was appalled I was comfortable – after all, I was a victim of kidnapping. Then again, maybe I had Stockholm syndrome or something.

Or I was just nuts.

The latter is more likely than anything.

Leaving aside very poetic descriptions, and me venturing into purple prose (which is quite out of character), I should tell you how my third day went, right? Or maybe venture in my third day…or fourth. Can't tell which, I really haven't kept count of them…I'll see.

I shuffled my feet against the cold floor (did I mention how much I hate the cold?), and got dressed in whatever it was that I first lay my hand on. I didn't even open my eyes yet. That had to wait until I washed my face, a ritual I was used to since I was little.

Brush teeth, clean your face with cold water, then a little soap, rinse, go to breakfast, brush teeth again.

One would think I was obsessive-compulsive by the way I held onto this, but I think it was (and still is) just my need for a little order in my life, since it became a very orderly habit. My life was chaos, so I just held on to that tad bit of routine. Not that I don't like chaos – I love it! But just chaos around you brings chaos to your mind too. No need to get myself even more scatter-brained, thank you very much.

I quickly got out of the room, and made a quick dash to the bathroom. I locked the door, did my thing, including a quarter hour of battling with my hair. The poor comb had been quite valiant, seeing as it was probably used to just going trough short hair. Or Deidara's and Itachi's pretty hair.

Damn, their hair was just too pretty to be manly. Not to mention Deidara already looked like a woman as it was.

Now that I think of it…I combed my hair with a comb use by God-knows how many people. Just because I was stubborn and refused to use the dust-ridden bathroom in my room. Cleaning it just made me feel a whole new level of dread. I swear the dust was must've been thicker than my whole palm. And here I thought the cleaning supplies I stumbled upon earlier yesterday had been put to good use. So, I would most likely get live or fleas or dandruff because of laziness.

The laptop was long since forgotten, since there was no way I'd help them maniacs. Of course, I did do some "research" so they couldn't say I didn't.

'I swear Google must know my cause and is aiding it. Besides, it's not like I'm going to go and search the bowels of the internet for nukes. That doesn't prevent me from saying I stayed up all night doing so, though'.

Oh yes, I was sly. Still am, really. Modest too.

As I made my way down the stairs and into the kitchen, I had 'Eye of The Tiger' playing loudly inside my head. It was quite unnerving that it fit so well. I made my way into the kitchen humming and walking on the balls of my feet.

Odd how just a song could give me more determination, and make my day brighter.

Although it couldn't last for long, really. No good thing does, especially when it comes to me. Why, you ask? Because the clone of daddy dearest (I stay with the clone theory unless evidence it was something else would pop up).

"Morning Jamie." He said, taking a sip from his coffee. I snatched the coffee from his hands, and sneered:

"Mornin'." And drank his coffee with large gulps, leaving not a sip. And I put it back in his hand too.

'Well, if he's gonna pretend he's my dad and force me to do things, he will have to deal with a brat so great it will surpass anything he'd ever soon on Super Nanny. Pein might be the official evil overlord here…but I'll give him a run for his money soon enough.'

A smirk made its way on my face, making Clone!Dad raise one of his eyebrows.

"Anything you find funny, daughter?"

"Oh nothing dad, nothing at all."

He just looked at me funny, and made his very non-dramatic exit. By the way his eyebrow was twitching, I guess Clone had much less patience than he let on.

He forgot his coat on the chair, I noticed, so I quickly began to search in the pockets for any clues or objects that might indicate their real plans.

Yes, real plans. Because, really, I couldn't believe him and Pein were as stupid as to make a kid do their job, and search nuke plans on the internet.

In about half a minute, I found some bits and pieces of some odd machinery (mainly screws and large bolts, and some weird wires). In the other pocket I found several folded papers, stained with God-knows what liquid I'd rather not know the origins of.

They presented complicated diagrams of the human body, along with many mathematical formulas. Luck had the paper written in Japanese, so of course I couldn't understand a thing.

'And here I had hoped the jutsu worked on written stuff, too.'

I heard foot steps shuffling against the floor near the door, so I quickly stuffed the papers in my back pocket, and put the tiny pieces back in their respective pockets.

Clone!Dad appeared in the room, and took the jacket off the chair.

"I trust you didn't search my pockets, did you Jamie?" he asked, his tone low, and turned towards me. He fumbled with a knife, and he looked like a madman escaped from the nut house.

"No, of course not!" I said quickly. Almost too quickly.

"Because you know, that would make me quite…unpleased." He leered.

More knife fumbling; an eerie smile made its way into his face, and I felt a bead of sweat trickle down my temple.

"I know. I didn't."

"I know you didn't." he said, and smiled kindly, throwing the knife at my feet. I almost whimpered. "But then again, wait, I am not that stupid."

"What?"

"Turn your pockets inside out."

"What?! No! You have no right to…"

"Turn. Your Pockets. Inside Out."

Ayep, I was royally screwed again. You, dear reader, must probably be wondering why I am not dead yet. It's probably because I was born on the 13th, and so, I have a lucky star, or something…just for the sake of irony.

"Listen, father, I will not turn my pockets inside out. It's not like I am a child anymore."

'Waaaay to go Jamie, try reason with the clone. It's not like he'd like to see you dead, because, hey! Let's say even more stupid things in front of powerful people.'

He came closer, and his fingers were an inch away from my neck.

"I would be very displeased if you wouldn't." he leered; his breath could've killed a horse, it was more than metallic – it was a foul mix of metal and rotting flesh and something else that just gave it the extra disgusting pinch of salt.

"What's going on here, un?"

My knight! My blonde gender-confused knight! The angel from before! He hath come to rescue me! My cue to escape!

I 'valiantly' made my exit when Clone turned his head towards the disturbance, and ran to my room. Seemed like I did that a lot those days.

You know, trying to be a smartass, fighting people, and then running away when things got too scary? Yeah, that. I still do, really.

So…did that make me The Cowardly Lion in the Land of Naruto? Probably.

Those were my thoughts when I pulled the covers up to my nose, after slamming the door shut. 4th Day (or 3rd, or 5th) ended with me hiding under the covers like a small child.

Whoop-da-fucking-doo, ain't I a brave lass?

---------------------------------

AN: So, guess what I did today? I tested Jamie with the Mary-Sue Litmus test…and she got a -4 O_o. I didn't even know that thing could give negative results. Well, at least I know my foolish sarcastic idea-brat is not a Sue XD


	6. The Frog Prince

I fumbled with the papers with my spare hand. There were pictures of various organs connected to tubes, as well as several annotations and android limbs. I didn't recognize many of the kanji (I hadn't even bothered to try and learn more Japanese because that translation jutsu left me pretty much unmotivated)…however, I did recognize a few, and those were a part of the title.

"Jamie" and "Weapon".

Come to think of it, the anatomy drawn did look familiar…maybe because I saw it in the mirror before.

Deidara interrupted my line of thoughts by barging in my room.

"Haven't you heard of knocking, you twat?!"

"Shut up, un. Your daddy sent me after those papers, since apparently you're too much of a brat to handle, yeah."

He quickly snatched the papers from my hand, and turned away from me. Bad choice, because I tackled him to the floor, and we proceeded to have a five minute struggle for the papers of doom.

After some dirty tricks on my part, I held triumphantly the papers in my hand.

How odd, how this one criminal put up so much with me. And how he left me have the papers, since he could easily take them away from me.

"Idiot, un. Give me those papers before I blow you up!"

"Awww, I love you too." Empty menaces, I knew. As many times as he had blown me up for good, he hadn't.

Hey, maybe Iwa no Deidei was getting a soft spot for me?

He glared at me, but really, truth was he couldn't hurt me in any way – Leader's orders, after all. Not him having some sort of soft spot.

That'll probably happen when hell freezes over.

I stared at him staring at me, arms crossed, for a good few minutes. His hair was in total disarray, pulled from its usual ponytail. A stray strand was perched on his left cheek and bridge of his nose, and he looked…well, to put it simply:

'I'd hit that. In the sexy way.'

What?! I was a teenager, I had my hormones.

"Say, Deidara, what made you join Akatsuki? You seem a pretty round fun kind-of guy. I don't see you killing people for the kicks, even if you're pretty much a pyromaniac."

'I'll be your distractiooooon~' I sung in my head. 'I have a poker face and elusive talk to make it better too!'

Now where did that come from? That, my friends, is a very lame try at a conversation...and avoiding the subject.

"None of your business, brat, yeah."

"Tsk, pot calls the kettle, blondie."

"Cowardly lion, un." He retorted, and I felt my ears lit on fire immediately.

"Look, you so didn't get those papers, so now you can you know, get out of my room and like, go and blow like stuff up, you male Valley Girl."

"Valley…what?"

'Oh yeah…I forgot. References don't work so well here. Change of strategy, then!'

"Would it hurt for you to be friendlier?"

"No, but I don't like you, un."

Deidara, King of Blunt, I hereby crown you. You may take your place on the Insensitive Bastard's throne.

"Well, guess what? I don't like you either!"

"Tsk, from the way you are acting, I might actually think you have a crush on me, un. A little schoolgirl crush on an older guy; a criminal too, yeah. How cute!"

"Shut the fuck up and get out, you sleezeball!"

And with that, he received a punch in the gut (and I doubt he even felt anything) and was promptly pushed out of the door. When I slammed the door again, I could hear his boisterous laugher.

And my face was still red, damn bastard.

***

The beginning of a lovely sixth day (I asked Tobi) was marked by me waking up in a jolly disposition, and in the mood for cleaning. Both two very rare events.

So, after cleaning the bathroom to the point of obsessive rubbing, and then obsessive washing of my hands, to the point they became red. I was interrupted by Deidara, who again, waltzed again uninvited in my room, and dare I say, bathroom.

"Good morning, un! Care to give me those papers, yeah?"

"Good Morning and no. I already got rid of them!"

"What?!" he yelled, obvious alarm in his voice. His hands were already tangling in his hair in desperation.

"I put them back in his pocket this night." More hand scrubbing. Apply soap, scrub thoroughly, rinse.

Why was I confiding in him again?

"What are you doing, un?"

Rinse.

"Washing my hands."

"But you've already done so 4 times already!"

" Seventeen. And they're not clean enough, they're full of dust." He yanked my hands from the faucet.

"They are bleeding! Are you a glutton for pain?!"

My hands were not clean enough then. They never are. It's just…a habit I picked up from when I was little. I had to wash my hands 20 times after dusting or cleaning stuff, and 10 before cooking. My OCD aunt used to do that, and I used to imitate her a lot when I was little. So I guess the habit, or little obsession, stuck, although I am not OCD myself. I am too lazy to be OCD. They're just sporadic obsessions in a sea of lazy.

I yanked my hands from his grip, and moved on to arranging my clothes on the bed.

"What are you doing?"

"Tidying."

"How can you tidy the tidy?"

I glared at him, and he raised his hands in defeat. God knows the man didn't know how to get the hint I didn't want him in my presence after the crush comment the day before.

The sunlight in the room made the whole space look very warm. It was one of those rare sun days in Ame, where rain didn't show up. I was fortunate enough to wake up early to witness the beautiful, rare pure sunlight in Ame.

"It always rains here, un."

"I miss the sun."

"Me too, yeah."

There, three lines of actual conversation. Was it the sunlight from outside? Or was it some sort of horrible disease that was secretly lurking in the Akatsuki lair?

He sat on my bed in an Indian pose, and I sat near him, normally.

"Why do you always come in my room, Deidara?"

"It's the only room that doesn't reek of murderer. Besides, I have to get away from Tobi, and you are the only viable option right now. Your room also receives the most sunlight on good days." And with that, he leisurely laid on the bed, feet dangling from the side.

"So, are you actually admitting you like my presence?"

"Well, you are not as annoying as Tobi, and you are fun to argue with, un."

"Oh, that was really out of character, you know."

"Tsk, brat, un."

"Awww, I like you too Dei!"

Really, he had to like me at least a bit to get himself in my room and attempt to make conversation, no?

He crooked an eye brow, and I started giggling like mad.

"You gone crazy, un?"

"No…it's just you really look like a girl in that pose!"

His brows furrowed and…

Let's just say later that night not only did I have to dust the room again, but I had to beg Leader for replace sheets, and had to scrape off burn marks on the floor, and walls.

My hands had been washed so times that day, and the skin stung so hard, I could feel it rip tid bit by tid bit when I furrowed with the new gray cover of my bed.

***

I couldn't sleep that night, so I paced trough my room endlessly. For almost a week I had stayed inside, and it was to like me to do so. I became very antsy after a few days of staying at home even in normal world…I couldn't stay at home much.

I wandered, just to feel my body move and see new things. I ghosted trough parks, and streets, and sometimes I would walk half a highway, and then back, coming home too exhausted to even eat, but so happy a smile was always on my face when I crashed into the couch.

Trapped, I paced like a caged animal.

Most of the night went away with my footsteps. I counted them till a fix hour, and then started again.

My door was opened rather brusquely after a few hours, startling me. Light from the hall's windows filled my room, enveloping the one that opened it in an eerie aura.

Halos and light beams, reserved for angels, saints, saviors, heroes…and Itachi Uchiha, apparently.

"Stop this pacing and go to bed."

'Whoa, well isn't he really a straight-forward kind of guy.'

"I can't. I need to pace. It's like a cage in here!" I whispered, as not to wake the others, but flailing my arms for added significance.

"Just like Deidara said… a mangy lion with a need for self-control."

"Yeah, and I probably lack hatred too, by your standards."

A breeze of something flickered trough his face, and it seemed the calm quietness of the room turned into a very awkward, if not dangerous one.

I knew I shouldn't have taunted him like that, after all…the man was a hero. And yet…I just couldn't hold my mouth shut. I taunted dangerous criminals, and I always hit the sore spots they denied they had.

His mouth set in a thin line.

"Deidara will handle this." And he left, so I resumed my pacing.

It was as if I didn't pace something horrible would've happened.

Deidara came ten minutes later, looking thoroughly pissed, blonde hair everywhere, and half-naked (ABS, HELL YEAH!). He clasped my shoulders with his hands, making me stop pacing, and steered me trough the door, and down the hall, all the while muttering stuff like 'pain in the ass', 'troublesome' and 'stupid' and it's many synonyms.

Who would've guessed he had such an extensive vocabulary?

We finally made it outside, and he sat himself on the ground in a lazy pose. I looked at him quizzically, to which he responded:

"Walk already goddamnit, didn't you want to go outside?!"

"But aren't you…you know, going to breathe at the back of my neck all the way so I won't escape? "

"It's not like you can run anywhere anyway." He rudely pointed out, and laid flat back against the grass, sprawled out like a drunken frog on a rainy day.

"Touché."

I walked around a bit, and then climbed up trees just like a monkey…after all, I was always dad's little lion monkey.

Only the thought of the little nick names he always gave made my heart wrench. I really wished he was alive, but there was no evidence to that…just a stupid clone in his place. Or at least I thought he was a clone. But I digress.

It felt really good to feel the night air from outside, and not the window in my room. It felt even better to have the grass in between my toes again and feel the dampness of the night against my skin.

An hour later, situation found me lying in the grass against a snoring Deidara. Somehow, his presence was comforting – it was probably knowing he wasn't in the Akatsuki at first willingly either. Or maybe it was the way his idiotic jokes and explosions and taunting made me forget little by little of the situation I was in.

Or maybe it was me just getting friendlier to him because he didn't tell Clone!Dad were his papers had actually been before mysteriously returning into his pockets. Yes, that must've been it.

I gently nudged his side, stirring him as to wake him up.

"Oi, Deidara!"

He grumbled something inaudible in his sleep, and then turned to the other side. Ninja's should rise pretty quickly and be alert even in their sleep, but methinks he was already familiar with my aura (or chakra if God forbid I had any of that – I didn't need any more problems!) and didn't see poor weak me as a threat.

I should've stabbed him right then and then. He should've known better than to underestimate an enemy! Okay, I was their prisoner, but really!

"Deidara!" I yelled in his ear. He jumped up startled, and his hands instinctively tried to reach the clay pouches at his waist…that conveniently weren't there. God knows my hair had had too much ash in one day for its liking.

"What the hell, un?!"

"It's dawn." I deadpanned, and idly pointed upward at the sky. He huffed, and fell against the grass again.

"What's with you, Deidara? You seem so tired for a few days or so."

"Leader is making us all work on some shitty machine all day and night."

"Ah."

The gears in my head started working at fast pace. Odd machine + the Akatsuki being treated like slaves (more than usual)+odd android plans involving me = 'The fuck is Pein on?' Actually, said equation = trouble, but really – what kind of crack was that man on?

I yanked his hand, and he looked at me inquiring.

"Let's go inside."

"Didn't you want to walk, un?"

"I did. But you're tired, so you should rest."

"Aren't you the good martyr."

"Is it that hard for you to accept my random acts of kindness?"

"Yes."

He frowned comically, and hoisted himself (and me) up. I still held his hand idly while he led us back to the base. His hand was course, and rough, and most of the knuckles have been misplaced from their proper place – probably from one too many fights. The skin on his palm felt like sandpaper, and I could feel the mouth-hand against mine.

After a few minutes he retrieved his hand from mine, and put both of them in his pockets.

I tch-ed, and crossed my arms. Why did he always have to ruin a gentle moment? Not that we had many, but! As you may know, someone putting their hands in their pockets is clear body language from being wanted to left alone and not have contact.

So, after two minutes of uncomfortable silence, the quietness was broken by…

A huge ass explosion coming from the general direction of the base. It wasn't much really, just you know, earth shaking, ear-deafening boom and the general mushroom cloud.

Deidara pushed me into some bushes…but not in the way I would've desired though.

"Sit there, hide and don't make a sound, un. Don't even breathe, yeah."

--------------------------------------------------

AN: This is getting along faster than I suspected XD Saaaay….taking about crack, what the hell was Kishimoto on when he did the last chapter? 'cause I want some. Must be really psychedelic stuff for him to come with that sort of crap 8D.


	7. Medicinal Alcohol Blue

Vera

Damnit Vera, I wanted to respond to you personally, but alas, there was no link D:

So I'll just tell you right here and now how much your review made my day – I am so glad you find what I write amusing, as well as linking the story per se. Also, 'Jadara' or 'Deimie' sounds about right, in my mind :P

"I can't believe this shit is happening to me, un. Fuck life."

This is what I heard…while being in a goddamn thorn bush. Because, really, Deidara had just thrown me in the bets bush there was, so I was currently covered in small scratches that stung like bitches. I hastily picked myself up, while muttering 'ow' like it was some personal mantra.

"The hell happened? It looked like a nuclear explosion!"

"The machine blew up. Too much uranium or whatever they put in it. Uchiha said it's a wonder we're not all dead, or at least radiation infested monsters.."

"Shouldn't we be all dead…like right about now? Or you know, huge green monsters that go smash and crash?"

"What?"

"Reference you wouldn't get."

I slapped my forehead in frustration.

The gears started turning again. Uranium equaled nukes, and therefore, what they must be building must've been a nuclear powered machine, that probably had something to do with those wonderful papers I stole, and thus, with me. Ergo, that meant that what I suspected all along was true: the 'search nukes on google' thing was a cover, and I was in the middle of a more fuck-ed up operation than 'Moon-Eye'. I somehow suspected Pein must've gotten in Kishi's crack stash and helped himself.

And I was also offended they thought I was that stupid. Albeit, they were used to Naruto (who might or might not have two neurons to rub together) so I forgave them for thinking I had the intelligence of a monkey.

"Does that mean the whole base is infested with radiation?"

"The explosion happened in a place near the base, so the base is unaffected, yeah."

"Radiation travels, you know." I deadpanned.

You would suspect Pein informed them they might develop cancer, or give birth do malformed babies. God knows the yaoi fangirls would squeal endlessly over some nuclear mpreg.

He gave me an extremely annoyed look (I think it was because they had to build the machine again, and that mean more work for him – but more time for me).

"The base is covered in protective jutsus from foundation to roof, so no, it's safe, un."

"Kay, fine by me. Also, might I ask why you pushed me in a fergin bush?"

"Fergin?"

"Obscure reference you wouldn't get because you're ink on paper, but you aren't."

"That's much more than circular, un. You're weird, yeah."

"I prefer the term quirky. But we digress – you didn't answer my question."

He rolled his eyes, and then he smirked (I could almost see the light bulb above his head click)

"I wanted to ravage you savagely, un." He said, obviously sarcastically. Although not subtly, for he did not posses the art of subtle sarcasm – I should know, I am a master at it. Also, I am very modest (not.), as you must've noticed.

"In your dreams, shemale. I wouldn't touch you with a ten feet pole."

"I bet you weren't thinking that when you were staring at me in your room."

Caught. Shit. 'He must not find out I secretly wanted to jump him. Not now, not ever.'

"I was just staring trying to figure out if you are transgender or not." Said I, trying to hit the obvious soft spot Deidara had…not that it wasn't true. God knows his theme song must be 'Dude looks like a lady'.

"Tsk, look who's talking. I bet you have more testosterone than the whole base combined."

"Wow, I wouldn't have seen that coming. Then again, nor did I you knowing such a 'hard' word as 'testosterone'."

"At least I look half-way decent. You look like you've been starved for a week. Manly, too."

'Wooo, did the intelligent insult fountain drain or something?'

"Oh, calling me ugly, are you? Mature, really mature. At least I am not the fandom Akatsuki bicycle you know."

"Bicycle?"

"Yes. Everyone rides you."

After a few (blissfully!) silent moments, he finally caught on.

'He is slow today, isn't he?'

"Wh-what?! The hell no, un!"

"Yeah, of course not."

"I am not gay, un! I like women, yeah. You know, what with their boobs, and ass and legs, mhm. Not that you might know, you don't have any."

I silently fumed at the insinuation. I was not flat as a board, just androgynous!

Yeah, I'll just keep lying to myself about that until the end of time.

"Too much information. And with that hair and midriff, you are as straight as a purple circle, IMHO."

"IMHO? Also, you're just jealous, un."

"Goddamnit, just get my references already! It's annoying! And jealous of what? Your hair? Do tell me what conditioner you use." I sneered.

Really, the man just took all the fun from my conversations! Damn ancient wapanese narutards with no taste for what is good, no TV and no awesome literature. Modern Japan was awesome when it came to that (YATTA!) but these guys…well, you get my point.

"It's not my fault you couldn't just stay in the house. And I don't use conditioner, un."

He frowned, and I admitting defeat, but he, knowing he couldn't blow me up out in the open, stalked towards the road, off to the base. I followed suit – getting lost in Naruland and getting in more trouble really wasn't on my list of things to do.

'Tough love, I know it.'

***

Deidara admitted to me, once, in my second week of stay, that my looks annoyed him to no end. He said my eyes were too blue – 'medicinal alcohol blue', he dubbed the colour. He said my hair was too wild and tangly (just imagine Hermione Granger with a bad hair day and you have my hair). We had an argument about the colour of it, too.

"It's light brown, for fuck's sake!"

"And I say you're blind, it's dark ochre!"

"I should know what my hair colour is, dumbass! It's light brown, period."

I swear, he must've been colourblind, or something. My hair is light brown…what does ochre even mean anyway?

He said my skin was too dark (my skin tone is a very light tan), to which I replied it was not my fault they were all eyeball white. He said my eyes were too big; I said that at least I do not use a half bottle of eye liner every morning. I kindly reminded him he was an 'animu' character, and therefore, defied normal anatomy as it was. He retorted with telling me I was an 'animeh' character too now, so I should shut up.

And so on and forth. What was with the man and colours and shapes and every thing? Well, him being a crazed artist must've had something to do with it, especially the adversity to blue.

Deidara disliked the colour blue to no end. He hated all kinds of blue – sky blue, baby blue, ocean blue, deep blue, royal blue, and most of all – my own medicinal alcohol blue. It didn't surprise me when he told me his favourite colour was red – red was fire, explosion, wild, rebellion. Red was so Deidara it was uncanny.

Him telling he hated my blue was his uncute way of telling me he didn't know if he liked me or hated my guts (d'aww!). Or so I suspected.

On a related note, it was really weird to see myself interact with Deidara and have little discussions in the betweens of him going to go and work (a.k.a Pein slaving him off) on the fugly nuclear machine. It was making my lonely days much more better.

Sometimes I could just think he sat and talked with me because he liked it, and not because he had to baby-sit me.

On another related note, what was with these people and baby-sitting me? It's not like I could leave the base, what with all the jutsus, and exploding tags, and me still being too lazy to learn proper Japanese.

.

It's not that I didn't want to learn the language…but it was so tedious and boring and those damn kanji just laughed in my face and I couldn't help but snort in disgust every time I came across them.

I didn't even leave my room, most of the time, except for getting myself food. I was one of those little basement (room?) dwellers that just kept playing WOW (tetris, in my case) and….and! Anyway, I couldn't leave the base, no matter how much I planned. After all, their level of power was equal with Barney's creepiness, and that said something.

I avoided Hidan like the plague – every encounter with him was nightmare worthy material-, that jashinist fundie just made me want to cower under the nearest table.

Itachi was a mildly pleasant, but he wasn't willing to talk, or spend time in my company.

Tobi annoyed me on a constant basis whenever he saw me, but after a time he stopped – old geezer probably caught on that I knew his whole (A/N: SPOILER-TASTIC!) "lolol gais hav sum wolrd peace! NO BITCHES, WW4 NAO!" plan. The dirty looks I gave him must've been part of his great realization that I knew .detail of his ebil plan.

The others I really didn't see.

Clone!Dad hadn't made an appearance for some times, so I suspected he and Pein were up to something.

Returning to Deidara, I swore to have my revenge on him for making me sound like a goddamn Mary-Sues with his cheesy way of describing how much he hated my colour palette.

Did I just say colour palette?

"GOD NO! IT'S RUBBING ON ME!"

Deidara blinked stupidly at my sudden outburst.

'I hate him so much, what with his rat piss coloured girly hair, and with those goddamn washed-out blue eyes and toned physique and nice ass…and okay, steering off the subject!'

Oh yes, at the time I was thoroughly convinced I hated Iwa no Deidara, and he was only good for bothering me and my hormones.

***

Leaving aside what I'd like to call "character development" and "you getting to know how pathetic my life became", or in fewer words "personal crap nobody gives a shit about", I'll have you know I had spend about two weeks at the base, and the boredom was starting to eat away my brain.

So what did Jamie do?

Pace like a caged animal? That too. Mainly.

But not as interesting as what I am about to tell you: Jamie decided to sneak out of the base (good luck with that, self!), help herself at some important documents courtesy of Pein and Clone!Dad, read them, find out what the fuck exactly they have in plan for my body and them nukes, sneak back in, and try to repair the lost internet connection so I could have something to do (aside from following Deidara like a lost puppy).

Did I mention said plan failed?

Not only did I almost get killed by the stupidest protective jutsus invented by ninjakind (I don't want to know who thought that porcupines would be a good…okay, not remembering that. But I suspected it had been Tobi.), got blown up twice, but I also ran into Clone!Dad who proceeded at menacing me with a butcher knife (kunai shop must've gotten into strike).

***

Aside from the machine and 'sneak-n-steal' plan incidents, week two passed with nothing more that me going buddy-buddy on Deidara, the occasional long stare at his ass when he wasn't looking, and so called "bonding" with some of the members that I can't be arsed to recall.

It sucks having a selective memory, you know.

Week two also gifted me with some pretty nifty raccoon eyes – you get that when you don't sleep, and pace all night long. Itachi didn't even bother to barge in my room again after the third time he found me pacing, so methinks he used earplugs, like those old grannies on tv. Big, fluffy, pink earplugs.

One night, while exploring more of the base (which I couldn't do in daylight because hey! Dangerous criminals that make me piss my pants in fear, no?) , I listened to a quite interesting conversation

. Of course, I was hidden behind a corner, so I think they didn't know I was there. Pein and Clone!Dad that is. Which would surprise me, seeing as Pein is the zomgz!GOD, so he would know, no? Apparently he didn't…or numbed his ninja skillz (with a z, because with all those piercings he must be edgy) for the night.

"Pray tell, Leader-sama, why do we still have to keep this girl in the base?"

"She has the correct blood type, correct cardio muscle alignment, as well as a perfectly aligned vascular system with the standard chakra points. She was also the first person we found with those. That, combined with her age, stamina and neural connections made her very suitable. This is why we murdered her father, and you were created."

Hot tears streamed down my face at the mention of my father. There was no hope, he was gone, I was alone, and was listening to their plans in the middle of a goddamn nervous breakdown.

"But didn't you say she didn't have any chakra?"

"You are the clone of a genial inventor, and you still pose such stupid questions? Everyone has chakra, you see. Do some research. We will force her chakra out of her body."

"But won't expelling the foreign chakra in our world destroy her? Ah…that's were the machine comes in handy, no?"

"Yes. With the foreign chakra, combined with the nuclear energy, we will be able to aliment the device for merging the Bijuu into the _Jūbi*_, as Madara wished."

"She will be used as a battery?"

Bastard clone just couldn't hold his laughter in. Pein chuckled also (ebilly!). Well, it was funnily pathetic, you know, me as a battery. My fists were shaking in anger, and I could feel the muscles in my neck and back tense, a strain for self-control. I held back a quiet sob, and tried to pull myself together, to listen.

But I couldn't. So I held my breath, until they left. And when they did, I ran to my room, plopped down the bed, and cried as desperately and quietly as I could.

***

My 18th birthday was yesterday. Nobody wished me 'Happy Birthday' this year.

Fuckin' cold bastards.

-----------------------------------------

* see latest Naruto Manga chapter. However, if you do not wish to do so, for not spoiling yourself, do not worry, for we still have a few chapters yet before you really need to know!


	8. Sunny Wheat Yellow

AN: Sorry for not updating sooner guys, but my router's cable kind of fried and I was left internetless for a few days XD Anyone else noticing this story is like a goddamn rollercoaster that goes from drama to makes-no-sense to wow!happy-tiemz? Or is it just me?

***

The following morning greeted me with sore eyes and sticky mucus on my nose. Guess I really let the waterworks out, no? Well, I had no time to mourn and cry and snivel, I had a father to avenge, a world to save, and a plan to sabotage.

Oh, the trills I was going to have. I stayed in my room all day, like the proper heroic protagonist should, locking the door ('Shemale better stay out this time. I don't need any distractions today.' I thought, albeit half-heartedly).

I surrounded myself with paper and various pens (all stolen from Deidara's room), and began to plot ways of either getting myself out and saving the day, or die in the least painful way and save the day. Because I was awesome like that.

So, I began the arduous process of brainstorming with myself, and came up with many crazy and fucked up plans which later got discarded. I had fun, and loads of it. It was probably the happiest I had ever felt since I came to Narutoworld. It had something to do with me finally taking the situation into my hands, saving myself, and standing up to that goddamn egotistical megalomaniac with a God-complex fake-sell-out who called himself Pain. Or it was because this whole situation and twist of events turned me clinically insane.

So much for my dreams of easy-life Mary-Sue-ism, where Konoha comes out of nowhere and saves my ass, or I become Princess of Bel-Air, ahem, I mean, Akatsuki, snatch my main not-so-love interest and live a happy and sickenly perfect life.

Indeed, I had fun shared with colourful language and pens. Not to mention that at the end of the day the room must've smelt of fried brain.

The logical plans I came up with were the following:

Get saved by Konoha-nin. Tell Hokage the evil plan. Watch as Akatsuki get their asses killed.

Sabotage the machine while it is in function. Sacrifice yourself in the process. Destroy Tailed Beasts by doing so. Watch from the heavens how the Akatsuki crumbles to a pile of dust motes.

Plan number 1 had many flaws. How was I going to contact them? Will they believe me? Will they even understand my crippled Japanese I haven't bothered to learn properly? Hell, why would they risk war for a goddamn walking cliché of fandom?

Plan number two on the other hand, had very much a sense of success. It smelled of success. Or maybe it was the pens.

My plan had been settled – I was going to die heroically and fuck up the whole organization, including that machine. Maybe try and get to it and screw with a few nuts and bolts. And avoid man-eating porcupines this time around.

***

Pretty little things, shamrocks are! You know, most people believe shamrocks bring good luck to those who find and treasure them.

I was in the Akatsuki 'backyard' currently searching for shamrocks…or any clovers for that matter. Because hell, with impending doom and a plan to settle, what was left of my sanity kind of went on holiday.

So, while I was not-so-happily frolicking under the rare rays of sun (isn't it odd how the sun shines more when you know you have fewer and fewer days left to live?), Deidara made his way near my spot, and plopped down near my position.

"I looked for you everywhere, idiot."

"What am I, a pet to keep on a leash?"

"Kami, un." he half sneered, half laughed "What I say and what she understands!"

I turned to glare at him, but ended up smiling like the idiot he called me and sitting next to him.

"How's work on the doom machine?" I asked (Way to be sneaky, my inner fantard observed.)

"Troublesome, un." He said, and sighed, laying in the grass.

Since when did Deidara act like Shikamaru?

"How come?"

"Nothing you should know, lionel, yeah."

"I think I should, seeing as my dad is working on it."

Do observe, dear reader, that I almost gagged at saying the word 'dad'.

"It's till none of your business, un."

A trail of guilt flashed over his face for a fraction of a second, and he frowned and got up.

"You should go inside, and mind your own business next time. You're a prisoner, yeah."

"Why, thank you, Captain Obvious! Well, if you want to face a PMS-ing unhappy bitch, troop of doom and gloom, so be it."

And I dramatically stormed inside. Damn bastard probably knew from the start what he was bringing me into, and now that he was getting mildly attached, he was guilty about it.

'I wish he would fall in love with me, then have to watch me die heroically and writhe with guilt afterwards.'

***

I sometimes wished the days would go by faster. Other times I begged the sky and sun to revolve more slowly. I didn't want to die…to never see the grass again, or the sun or the sky, or the stars, or laugh at Deidara, or plot and be witty, or feel the wind in my hair.

I realized I was more than overly-dramatic when I was first kidnapped. Re-reading what I wrote about it, it seemed exaggerated to the point of insane. I thought that perhaps I had been numbed down. That they put something in my food, those days. That they put a jutsu on me.

Because I wasn't feeling anything. I was so grayed out, my colours didn't shine anymore. Or so Deidara said one evening, when I was at the window and he was on my bed and we were talking as if I forgot what he truly was and what he got me into.

"You should get out more, un. You're getting pale. You're not sleeping, yeah."

"You wouldn't be sleeping either in my place."

"Tsk, what's so hard about being in your shoes right now? Stop whining, un."

"Except being a prisoner? And I do not whine"

"You're not in a cell, are you? And yes you do. You are whiny to the point of making me insane."

"Then why are you still coming into my room, huh? For the comfortable mattress?"

He came over to me, with long strides, as if he was hurrying to reach my spot.

"You know more than you let on, Jamie."

He was getting closer, he was trapping me, with his arms a distance from my sides, on the rain-stained window. His body emanated warm, and he smelled pleasant. Not of some cheap perfume, like modern guys would. His scent was neutral, calming, soothing. He smelled something like rain and damp skin and warmth. It was indescribable. It was Deidara so close to me, and yet I couldn't say anything witty, or crack a joke.

I felt his breath on my face as he spoke again.

"You whine too much, your tongue is too sharp, and you're bothering to your very essence. You know more than you do." He repeated himself, sprinkling it with some good-mannered (or I hoped they were) insults.

"Tell me what you know, un."

"And what if I don't tell?"

"I'll make you, yeah"

"Big mouth, no action, Dei-dei."

He was so close to my face I could number the speckles of silver in his uncovered blue eye.

His lips hovered over mine, and in an instant, he gave me a minute kiss, chaste, timid, so unlike what I would've imagined to come from him.

But I wanted more, so much more. He was my life line at the point, the only person I could half depend on. I wanted him to hold me, and I would sink in his embrace and forget everything –that I was a prisoner (a whiny one, at that), that he was the enemy, a criminal, that this was a fictional world, that I was going mad with grief and I didn't want to admit it.

I wanted more. And with that thought, Britney's Gimme More started playing unpleasantly in my mind. Imagine: Deidara as a stripper. That tune on the background. Mhhhhm. First the shirt, then the pants, then the boxers…or briefs? Or was he going commando? Whatever underwear he had or hadn't, and then he would be only left in his ninja socks and shoes. I dare repeat: mhhhhm.

I grabbed his hair (oh, how I loved to yank his hair. The sadist in me was having a field trip.) and plunged my tongue into his mouth (I feel the need to excuse myself for this – I was a horny 18 year old, and him being so close to me and teasing was making me hot and bothered.). He kissed me back fiercely, pressing his body closer to mine. He tasted spicy, fiery, and I just couldn't get enough of him. It was pretty darn hot. It was even hotter when we had to break up for air and he moved on to my neck.

"You liked that, yeah, didn't you?" (him being cocky)

"I'm barely 18, you know. You're a pedophile." ( me avoiding the subject)

"You're legal."

"You did say I am as developed as an 8-year-old. Pedo."

"Shut up."

"Oh, and by the way, is that a kunai in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

I always wanted to say that.

He growled, and attacked my neck with soft nibbles and daring bites. I yelped. The yelp turned into a moan.

'Wait…were are his hands going…! Oh…niiiiiiiiice.'

My inner fangirl fainted. I had the vague impression I was going to like what he was going to do to me. And like it very much I did, indeed.

***

AN:

I feel the need to clear this up.

Jamie isn't me. Jamie isn't my self-insert in Naruto.

Jamie and I are polar opposites in almost everyway, except for the sense of humor (which she verbalizes, while I prefer to keep it with myself and some close friends.). We don't share the same views, same reactions, same tastes or same whatever else you can think of, except for the favourite colour, which is blue. Jamie doesn't look like me, and I don't look like her.

Jamie, you see, is just an OC I made up for the little plot bunny which kept nagging me.


	9. Sickly Murky Green

'Deidara, you goddamn sex-god of fictional Japan.'

First though in an overly promising morning. Also, the eternal question of boxers or briefs was answered – Deidara went very much commando. Now who would've thought of that?

Next to me, Deidara stirred a bit, and nuzzled his face in my neck. Oh, how I was going to tease him – the great Iwa No Deidara was a….cuddler! Dun dun dun.

He was still asleep, and had his arms draped over me (read: my boobs and lower stomach, the pervert) so I couldn't move one inch, or else he'd wake up. And one thing I learned over these past few weeks: Deidara is very cranky when he wakes up. He's crankier than a pregnant woman who can't have her crave.

He stirred some more, and groggily opened the eye that wasn't covered by half of his hair (which by the way was silkier than mine, the woman, and tickled. Tickled quite so.)

"I consider what happened last night as late birthday sex." I told him, quite smugly, and started laughing.

"Birthday sex?" he asked, probably still-half asleep.

"Yeah, a week ago was my birthday."

"Uh, really, un?" He was obviously confused.

I was pissed.

'How dare he not know?'

"You insensitive bastard!" I threw a pillow at him, and got up from bed.

"How was I supposed to know, crazy woman, un?!"

"Oh, you're right…I forgot, sorry!" I gave him an impish smile. He groaned.

"You up for seconds to make up for it, hmm?"

"Oh, morning sex! With you, darl, anytime!"

"Let's not get too sappy, yeah? I know I'm good, but there's no need for pet-names."

"Tch, don't get cocky. You're allowed to do so only when I will fail to get up from bed. And haven't you noticed I've been using pet-names on you since the moment I saw you, Dei?"

"You can still get up?!" he asked with surprise. "Looks like I'm getting rusty or something. We'll just have to remedy that."

"I second this. So, what are we waiting for?"

About time I got some of that ass, really.

***

"So, on a scale from 1 to Chris Brown, how angry is Itachi at us for keeping him all night from his beauty sleep?

"Chris Brown?" he crooked an eyebrow.

"Mah, sorry, forgot you don't get any of my pop culture references, you uncultured antic twat."

I pouted, sighed and rested my head on my knuckles, while he glared.

"Tsk, at least I know how to read and write, un."

"Touché. What I meant is – is he about to kick any puppies out of anger soon?"

"As if he didn't do that before." He replied, scoffing.

"He's not that evil!"

He glared at me.

'Better not give suspicions about how much I truly do know'

"Okay, he is. He pisses evil and shits massacres on a daily basis. Happy now, Dei?"

He only responded with a loud laugh, which startled the birds in the tree outside my window. He stood up from the window still, and went to the door, as to exit.

"Where are you going?"

"Mission duty. I'm leaving in a couple of hours, yeah."

"How long?"

"Dunno, a day, a week, a month."

"Mission is about what, exactly?"

"Retrieve some shit from What-his-name, daimyo of Whatever-shitty-wealthy-land."

I sighed in relief – it wasn't the mission in which he died. I lost track of the timeline, and I wasn't even sure if events were to follow in the order I knew because of the changed plans of the Akatsuki *cough*nukes'n'me*cough*…and really, loosing my only ally *cough**cough* right then wasn't what I needed.

"Good luck."

****

I sometimes wonder – if feelings had voices, would they talk for us? What would they say? Certainly more than 'good luck' to a loved one.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid!" I berated myself.

Really, how lame could I get?

"Good luck? Good frikking luck?! I could've at least said goodbye or something cheesy but witty! GAAAH! Or at least smothered him in kisses and all that cheesy shit"

***

Ever looked in the mirror and though 'Who the heck is this person?!'. Yeah, well that was happening at that moment, looking into the bathroom mirror. I saw a stranger.

That girl was paler, with dark circles under her eyes, but eyes that still held a certain spark, albeit more subdued than they were. She was skinnier, much skinnier, the collarbone protruding awkwardly from the skin. The only thing almost unchanged was her (our, mine?) hair – although longer, it was still so tangled it could outrank Devil's Snare, and the colour was still the same.

The stranger in the mirror was me, and for a minute I wanted to smash the mirror. But then decided against it, and just said out loud:

"Well, don't I look just ugly and pitiful? Woe is me."

So I stormed back into my solitary room, and sat on my bed, and thought of it all once more, because when I couldn't have heavy and boring books to distract me, heavy thoughts could do the trick.

If I betrayed Akatsuki, and sent them to their deaths with my plan, then Deidara would die too….and if I told him, he would tell the others; I was not stupid, I saw they all had a sort of subtle kinship, despite outer appearances.

But what if Deidara was tricking me, getting close to me just to find a moment of vulnerability and strike me down? What if I was to him just an easy lay?

Criminal once, criminal always, you know? What if!

I was dancing (and fucking, pretty much literally) with the devil, or more so one of the devils. He was one of them, and goddamnit, I foolishly lowered my guard and let him in (again, quite literally –I mean, thank God Narutoland had condoms, no? Them Kages don't want their ninjas poppin' out babies.).

"I don't even know how and with whom I stand anymore…"

"You know," a voice leered from the doorframe "Talking to yourself is the first sign of schizophrenia."

'Oh great, just what I needed. This is such a fuck my life moment.'

"Hiii, daddy. I see you are feeling awfully bitchy today. Maybe it's the morning air – the smell of nuclear waste freshly in the morning does give you a joyful start, no?"

Jamie-1, Stupid Clone – 0.

"So, daughter dear, I hear you've been quite friendly with Deidara-san."

"You and the rest of the base, apparently."

"Well, you were quite vocal."

Jamie 1; Stupid Clone – OVER 9000.

Moments like those made me sure that was a clone – not that I ever had any doubts. Because dad used to freak out if a boy as much as touched my hand. So you know, I was kind of appalled that Clone!dad made lewd jokes – he could at least try and not be OOC right? Well, he probably figured I saw right trough him and couldn't be arsed anymore.

"You used protection right? A sock, a…"

"I swear, I will kill you. I have your death all planned out. You and I will be in a terrible car accident. I will be the only one to escape and when I try to make it around to your side to save you the vehicle will explode. It would be a freak accident and I would mourn over your death the rest of the year. No one would suspect me, everything will work out perfectly, etcetera. So please, follow that line of though, make my fuckin' day."

"Oh put a sock on it. I just don't want my baby girl to get pregnant!" and with that he went as to hug me, to which I recoiled and made a disgusted sound.

"Ewwwww, clone germs! Don't touch me!"

'Oops. Me and my big mouth.'

He smirked. "Hmmm, I really did wonder when you would let that slip by your defences."

"What?" I blinked stupidly at him.

"I said, idiot, that I knew you know and therefore was expecting you to one day let me know you knew without wanting to."

"Fuck you."

"Oh, do I see an Electra complex building up there, tootsie?" he said, and approached me, a suspicious cloth in hand taken from his pocket.

"Stay away from me, freak!" I yelled, and recoiled until my back hit the wall.

And there was nowhere left I could run, and nothing I could grab and smack that stupid evil "IMMA EVIL LORD ALL ON YO ASS" type-of smirk off his face.

But ahem, you see, my lack of reaction in the first place brought me my impending doom – Clone closed the space between us and placed the cloth over my nose and mouth.

"No she-male to protect you know, honey."

Do you know how lovely it is to feel dizzy while having to breathe in a stinky cloth? Just precious, let me tell you.

But alas, I can't detail that unique experience, because I slumped down on the floor half-conscious. Chloroform, it does wonders, I tell you.

Except I really didn't think chloroform was all that wonderful when I felt my head hit the floor and everything went black.

***

Tubes. Frikkin' tubes everywhere. And murky green. Tubes sticking out of my arms, out of my head (Matrix much?) and out of every single part of my body.

Did I mention I was naked? Boobs, vagina, all that jazz in plain view. Not that I had much of the first, but still.

So, I was in a very nice tube that looked like something out of a horror movie, like those kinds they use when they want to put creepy alien fetuses in preserving liquid? That kind of tube. And I pretty much couldn't move.

On my mouth and nose was a small oxygen mask connected to a bigger tube. The other tubes were floating in the liquid, along with my body, and I had the vague sensation they were pouring something into me, pretty much like IV's in a hospital.

Only this wasn't a hospital, and the strange thing I now felt into my veins was probably jutsu-altered, non-toxic uranium.

So, assuming I had been there for what….a couple hours? Assuming that, they'd probably brainwash me soon.

Clone!Dad came into view, and approached the tube. He knocked on the glass and smiled idiotically at me as if saying "HAHA GOTCHA NOW BEOTCH!". I scowled and glared, pounding the glass with my fists, but to no avail, it was incredibly thick.

He winked, and left.

'Oh just wait, I'm going to fuck 'em all up.'

AN: Sorry for the slooooow updates gais, but I'm pretty much sick, and I've slept most of two days away, and on the others when I was feeling peachy before getting sick I was torturing myself with school exams. I'll try writing the tenth chapter soon, pinky promise.

Toodles!


	10. The Cain Complex

This following chapter will contain spoilers galore for those who have not reached at least the later half of shippuuden.

* * *

You see, the whole problem with the Akatsuki is that they are lead not by Pein, but by Madara Uchiha. And the problem with the Uchiha family was that every single generation had an individual with a Cain complex. Madara, Itachi, Sasuke, all had more or less very odd relationships with their siblings, or parents.

But when I saw the first glimpse of red and black trough the murky green water of my test-tube cutting the place where the tubes were plugged into the wall, I thanked whatever God there was that the Uchiha had a Cain complex. Because only that would make Itachi Uchiha betray Madara's will and help me.

I didn't know how long I had been in the tube, but the moment he picked my wet form from the floor and made his way to the door, I suddenly felt more alive than I did in all the time I was there (except for the times with Deidara.). Must've been from the uranium or the jutsu, or God-knows what else. I'm not an expert on that subject really, but it's Naruworld, so expect it to be mysterious and fucked-up.

I realized that after all, this was all real. As a fan, when I thought they were not real, I looked at everything they did superficially. But now I realized – Itachi was human, Deidara was human as well, Pein was as human as he could given circumstances, and they felt and lived and cared in their own twisted way.

And that saving me was probably a way to ease one or two of his plans regarding Sasuke. After all, it'd be no good for the organization to blow up the whole frikkin' land, with his brother in it, just for the sake of…well, I still haven't figured out what their true plan truly was, but it was Akatsuki, so expect it to be fucked-up.

I knew I was wetting his shirt, and I knew I was probably making him feel highly uncomfortable the way I clung to him, face buried into his shirt like a small child. Maybe Itachi Uchiha did deserve the beams of light and halo, maybe Itachi was after all, the savior. He slowly put me down.

"Can you walk on your own?"

"Probably."

"Konoha nin found out our plans. I am to bring you to leader, but that would interfere with my plans."

"Aww, 'tachi, I knew you actually cared like a normal human being."

He said nothing, glared, and gave me a simple black cloak to cover myself with. Always a man of many words, wasn't he? I wrapped it around myself in some sort of toga-pant-blouse-thingie.

"Konoha shinobi are on the seventh floor. Deidara is on the fourth fending a few of them off. The machine is on the third. This is the second floor."

"Thanks, 'tachi. I knew you weren't so bad after all."

He almost rolled his eyes, and 'poof'-ed out of sight.

So, I was left to fend on my own, no skill what-so-ever, uranium in my body, all-wet, etc, etc, all super and dandy, no? Absolutely lovely, let me tell you. And I had a decision to make: side with the Akatsuki and Deidara and die a slow, painful death while being bound to a stupid machine or go to the Konoha shinobi and get my ass saved.

No matter how much it hurt me, and how much I loved Deidara, given circumstances (a.k.a having the doubt he might turn on me too), and because I am such an insecure girl when it comes to his feelings, I decided to follow plan B and…

'Let's rock and roll.' And I dashed towards the staircase.

Third, fourth ('Oh God please let him be ok and not see me'), fifth, sixth ('Shit, there's a lot of screaming going on there'). Seventh. Gai-frikkin-Maito making a whole into a wall near me with his almighty fist of doom and youth, thinking I was an Akatsuki member.

"I peace! I not with them!" (I know, quite anticlimactical, but blame my poor Japanese. I noticed the actual jutsu wore off when I couldn't understand the various screams from the sixth floor)

His fist relaxed and his face contorted into a very grave quizzed expression.

"Geimi-san?"*

"Yes!"

"Come with me!" he said, and motioned to a safe place in a corner, obstructed by some very solid-looking debris. He left me there, stroke a life-scarring nice guy pose and left to kick some more ass.

But my delight was not long lasted – the screams traveled to my ears even if I couldn't see the battle. They were dying screams, screams of pain and mourning for lost comrades, life fleeting in a flash of kunai, in a second. Blood, there was blood everywhere, pooling around my hiding place; the smell was so pungent. I came to find out how death smelled. The battle, I saw it – even if I have no skill for describing the horrors, the death, the pain, the struggle. Both ends suffered, but mostly Konoha, because I realized…Konoha was far more human in my mind than the Akatsuki had ever been.

But to sum it all up without me going into dramatic details (because that would make me a little to observant for my taste), Konoha kicked major ass. GO GO POWER R-I mean, GO GO KONOHA SHINOBI!

Seeing the situation was more than desperate, Pain fled the scene, taking with him the surviving members (a.k.a people I never met before, so I couldn't possibly tell you about them, and couldn't care less.). I really didn't know where the main Akatsuki was, except for Deidara ('Be still, my beating heart') which I heard fled also ('He left me here to die, the effin bastard. I'll chop his balls off.)

I felt a hand on my mouth, and someone turned me around. Guess who it was? Why, Deidara! I almost hit him in surprise trying to struggle from his grasp.

"Shhhh, shut *gibberish* and stop *gibberish*, un." His calloused hands roamed over my face and shoulders for a few seconds, his eyes frantically searching mine.

"Ok, un?" he asked, seeming to understand that the jutsu wore off by the confused expression I had.

"Yes."

"Good, yeah. You go with them. I go with Akatsuki, un."

A flurry of thoughts swam into my mind – did that mean he was leaving me forever (oh the angst!). Did that mean I'd never see him again? Did that mean there was no hope for me going home? I didn't have much a decision anyway, but I could feel the tears that welt up in my eyes.

"Shh, no crying." He said, mouth composed into a frown, and he brusquely wiped the tears from my lashes, not looking me in the eyes.

We heard the boisterous voice of Gai, and both cringed.

"I go now."

"Miss you." I said. I wanted to say 'Please don't go, I'll really, really, really miss you and your antics and the way you smell in the morning and the way your hair tickles my shoulders when you kiss me!' but alas, my vocabulary was not that expanded.

"Miss you too. Stay safe. Don't do stupid."

And he kissed me quickly and somehow used one of his fancy jutsus and disappeared.

And I almost cried. And then there was black.

***

The first thing I heard after I blacked out/died/entered a pre-death comatose/whatever else clinical condition you may think of was a very annoying beeping sounds.

Again.

And again.

'Isn't Heaven supposed to be pleasant? And if it's Hell, well, I'll just have to take over and make it a huge wild party. And put some air conditioning.'

Again.

'Won't this fucking beeping stop!'

I opened my eyes. And what did I see? The unexpected!

The tv in front of me, my hand in front of my face on a green pillow. An orange wall. A Kandinski painting my dad used to obsess over.

And in a second, realization hit me. Ba-da-bing, ba-da-bum!

"It couldn't…have been a dream, right?" I murmured.

I set my legs on the floor and looked around. The house was very much standing, no scorch marks, no anything.

Beep.

I panicked – it was as if the world was crushing all on me (again). It couldn't have been a dream, I kept saying to myself over and over again, it had been too real. The pain was real, the wounds were real, the bickering, the kisses, the plans, the battle, they were all real ('REAL GODDAMNIT!')…but they weren't…or they were? I was confused, my head spun, my throat was dry, and all I wanted was to cry out and run, run, run.

Beep.

I clung to the hopes there would be any sign of anything related to what happened before. So I ran outside, stumbling over my own feet, breathing and almost on the verge of sobbing hysterically. I opened the front door, and the light outside blinded me.

The street was clear. The neighboring house was standing. There was no crater in front of my house, no mud on the walls and door. I sank to my knees, leaning on the doorframe, and sighed.

I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I was alive. I was alive, and I was so very thankful of that…but to think that all those adventures were a dream just made my head spin and my heart ache.

"Jamie!"

The voice of my dad called me from upstairs.

'He probably just came from work.'

I ran inside, quickly shutting the door, and made my way up stairs. He was sitting in the edge of the bed in his room, looking trough some albums.

Beep.

"Hey, lion-child. I just found some pictures of you as a baby and I thought I…"

But he didn't finish the sentence, because I jumped on the bed near him and hugged him so tight, that after a few minutes he was begging for air.

"Dad, did I ever tell you how much I love you?"

"I love you too, kiddo."

"And I'm sorry I was a bitch about this whole Japan thing. I promise I'll try harder, and I'll study more, and please don't ever leave me!"

"I'll never leave you, silly. What makes you think of that?" he asked, and caressed the top of my head gently, then ruffled my hair.

"I…just had an eye-opening freaky dream, that is all."

"Care to tell me about it?"

"I don't remember much of it anyway. I love you, though." (LIES! My inner fangirl hollered.)

He laughed and hugged me.

"How I've missed you telling me you loved me! You haven't told me anything of the sort since you hit puberty!"

"Daaaad."

Oh, sob. I was getting all emotional with my dad. Such an emotional moment had not happened since they dropped the bomb on me with their divorce.

Beep.

'WHY THE FUCK IS THERE BEEPING IN THE MOST EMOTIONAL TIME EVER?' I mentally hollered.

Beep.

My dad lifted my chin up, and looked me into my eyes, and said:

"It's time to go, Jamie."

"Go? Go where? Home?"

"Not home. But you'll be alright. Stay safe, lionel."

Beep. Beep. Beep.

He hugged me again.

"I love you, and I'm sorry I let them get to me."

Beep. Beep. Beep.

"Fast, we're losing her!" I heard someone say in the background, but it was not a clear voice. It was as if the person was screaming trough water and I had ear buds in my ears. My dad and the room was getting blurry.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Yells. More yells.

Pain. Loads of pain in my arms and chest.

Beep.

"She's *gibberish* now."

Everything was turning white, with some blurry shapes, almost invisible blotches of colour.

And little by little, everything cleared up, and I saw very similar faces looking down at me.

"She's waking up!" one of them said.

"*giberrish*, 25 ml."

"Yes!"

'Oh fuck, I'm in Konoha hospital. I'm going to die.'

"You're going to be okay!" one of them screamed, just before I blacked out.

Well joy, that was a reassurance.

AN:

I searched various Katakana and Hiragana guides, but I never saw a "j" or related group. So, because the jutsu wore off, them Naruto people will pronounce Jamie's name as they hear it. It will also be written as such by the author just for the kicks, and because I like tormenting her.

Also…I just re-read the starting chapters, and just realized how much my style of writing this fic changed. Of course, the humour is still there, but I think Jamie's character grew in more ways then one.

This is not the end, my dear readers! This is totally not the end, and there are many more chapters to come. Deidara's not gone for good, though.


	11. The Smile Me A Syringe Incident

The Authoress is very sorry for not updating in…urgh, a while, but her internet connection had gone poof, and she had-

Oh fuck this, it's too weird talking in third person about me. It's like I'm detaching myself from myself...I read something about that in a psychology article somewhere in the vast sea of knowledge that is the internet.

Anyway, back on track – I'm sorry for not updating in a while, but I switched to a new internet connection, and I had to stay a while without the internet TT_TT. Major boredom, let me tell you, since it's frikkin freezing and going out was out of the question too. But it made me read a few more books, and upgrade my drawing skills.

ON WITH THE STORY! And an extra long chapter, brought to you from me with love 3

***

"For the next few days, you will avoid sunlight. You will not sneak in the kitchen to get heavy food if you don't wish for death. You will get a daily shot consisting of neutralizers."

"Okay…um, shots? As in syringes?"

A whine escaped my throat.

"Yes, as in syringes. Continuing… you will stay in bed at least 20 hours a day. We will give you daily perfusions to slow blood flow temporarily. We don't need 'radioactives' as your people call them, to spread in your system. At noon each day you will attend a session of removal of those substances. Understood?"

"Yes, ma'am. But can't you get it all out in one day?"

"If you want to have permanent brain damage, sure."

"Okay, daily it is then."

'Good God, her boobs really are huge. Positively mind scarring.'

***

'Helloooooooooo, nurse! Now GTFO.'

So, syringes. Have I ever mentioned how much I truly hated syringes? Vile things, are they not?

"Come on, Geimi-san, you need to take your daily anti-chemical shot!"

"There is no way in hell!" I yelled, and made a mad dash for it, praying for my life, because God forbid any of those syringes penetrated my arm again.

So, I was pretty much immature, but hey, a phobia is a phobia right?

"Look, it's either that or dying a slow painful death at my hand…erm, I mean at the hand of the radiation and residue sweeping trough your body." She giggled nervously. I swear that girl was the definition of bipolar.

Sakura held the syringe menacingly in her hand, so I came to a halt and sighed. With Aiako, my nurse, I could get away, but with her, no way in hell. There had been one time, a few days ago, when I saw Naruto being sent trough a wall, and cringed at the thought of that happening to me if I angered her for days on end.

Her foot tapped not-so-gently, so I reluctantly made my way towards her, whimpering like a small child; she gave me the shot, I complained about her being mean in my head and my life as a patient went on.

But I bet you, dear and bored reader, want to know what happened after I woke up in the operation room of doom, how and why Sakura is my nurse, and how and why I can understand Naruto!Japanese all of a sudden, amirite?

***

It all started on a faithful full-moon night wh- wait, wrong story.

It all started on a beautiful afternoon (or so I assumed) when the constant annoying beeping of the hospital machines woke me up.

When I woke up, the first thing I knew was that it hurt. My head hurt, my arms hurt, my legs hurt; I swear, even my hair must've hurt, and as we are all smart people, we know that hair doesn't have nerves. Oh well.

Well, my first thought was that I somehow ended up in a bat cave with medical equipment – it was so dark even white cats would look black. No windows (okay, there was one, but it was heavily blinded), no nothing. Just a tiny strip of light that I assumed came under a door. And there was no other sound than the constant beeping. When the smell of chemicals, medicine and something sour started to burn my nostrils, I knew I had to get out of there. There was no effing way I would stay in a room that was even creepier than Hidan's room.

So, I halted myself up, only to feel a sting in my arm. I whimpered and feared for the worst:

'Please don't tell me that's a perfusion…pleeeease!'

You know, perfusions have this kind of plastic needles, very similar with those from syringes. So, of course, I started to freak out, and almost started crying, until I reminded myself that if it was to have a breakdown, I'd better do it without the thing in my arm. So I pulled it out and almost started crying again when I actually saw the thing between my fingers.

And I went to the door. Only to be stopped by a looming Tsunade, who barked a few things at me, did a few fancy jutsus, got me to understand what she was shouting, then dragged me to Ibiki for interrogation.

She dragged me trough the whole hospital, making me feel quite dizzy and nauseous, but let's face it, the security of the village is more important than my health, no sarcasm intended here.

We went to the interrogation room in the middle of I-don't-know-where (what? I was dizzy – you didn't expect me to actually pay attention to where she lead me to…right?). It was dark, except for a table lit by a small lamp. Just like in those cheesy crime movies.

I will spare you of the details and a high description of Ibiki's death glare and impressive stance (the man freaked me out, seriously).

Seeing as it was Ibiki, I was pretty cooperative, you know? I even got to see Genma and Hayate play bad and good cop at one point…dunno what they were doing there, but Ibiki was pretty pissed when they entered the room.

Long story short:

"You will tell us where you are from, and what you know of the Akatsuki."

"You wouldn't believe me. It's so frikkin far-fetched even Naruto can't believe it."

Ibiki quirked an eyebrow.

'Mental note: stop making references referring to people you haven't actually met…yet.'

"Try me." He offered, and leaned more towards me from the chair he was seated in.

So I told him.

"That's the most ridiculous, stupid, incredible thing I have ever heard during an interrogation." He told me after a few hours of talking.

"Not my fault that egomaniac has too much imagination with his plans, really."

"Let's say I believe you – what are your plans now? Return home, stay here…say!"

"I honestly have no idea. I just know I don't want to be a ninja…I'll probably get an ordinary job and make me a living here if I don't find out how to get home without compromising your world."

Ibiki remained silent this time. After a few minutes, he got up, and out the door, and I blinked pretty much stupidly at the closed door.

They deemed me safe to handle (that sounded dirty…somehow I would mind a three-way between them and me. Too old. Now, Deidara, Itachi and Kakashi….oh boy, that's a whole 'nother story) so I got sent back into the hospital. Whoop-da-fucking-doo.

I met my nurse, Aiako, soon after. A plump woman, in her forties, pretty pleasant, a good nurse, but she was too easily fooled. When I escaped my syringe time and hid in the hospital closets for the third time, she decided it was time to call for backup.

So, Sakura Haruno barged into my closet, pulled me by my shirt out, and 'shot' me. Smile me a syringe, will ya? It was over pretty quick, but the damn thing hurts like hell. Also, good thing I didn't see that goddamn needle before she gave me it. I swear it was the size of my arm. Freeeeaky.

"You didn't have to be so violent you know!"

"You got what was coming to you for running away! Now back to your room."

"What are you, my mother?"

"Worse. I am the Hokage's apprentice."

"Oh, spare me pinkie." I saw an anime vein make way on her temple. Shoot, point and score.

"Don't call me pinkie or there will be an indentation with your shape in the wall, right next to stupid Naruto's."

I shuddered, and she seemed pretty pleased with my reaction.

Why were ninja's all damn sadistic, even the medical ones? Was it in the job description or something?

***

My hospital days would be over in a week, but I pretty much lost time on anything else. How long had I been in the Naruto world? How long had my father been dead? How long since I haven't seen Deidara?

I tried counting the latter on my fingers, but that didn't work out due to my bad and selective memory.

I missed him so. I missed our fights, and him blowing stuff up, and yelling at Tobidara, and when he was actually gentle and kind, and he let me stay in his arms at night and burry my nose in the crook of his neck. Without Deidara at my side, the sentiment of abandon and loneliness returned.

Pretty stupid to fall in love in such a short time, amirite?

It's like some sort of cheesy, stupid chick flick of Romeo and Juliet, only Romeo is a maniacal criminal, and Juliet is sarcastic and weak in a world of big bold ninjas.

I did wonder, however, if he would actually miss me. If he was playing a game, even when he bid me goodbye.

If he was alive, because I am sure Tobidara knew. If.

What did it matter anyway?

***

I shifted on the hospital mattress, and sighed, continuing to fiddle with the plain white sheets. It was midnight, and I couldn't find any sleep. I opened the window a few hours earlier, to let some air into the stuffy, but empty room, and now a gentle breeze was making its way near my bed, onto my skin and in my hair. It was getting chilly, but I didn't mind. The cold kept me awake, and it sort of reminded me I was alive.

'I should be thankful…not many ninjas lived trough something less than this…and I did. I did live.'

But alas, I was bound to get angsting, amirite?

"But what do I live for now? Do I build myself a new life in Konoha? Move out somewhere else? Do research to go back home…but there is no one waiting for me then."

I quickly snapped myself out of it.

'Time'll tell. Time to go to sleep.'

So I got up from the bed and decided to close the window. But as I came close to the windowsill, a figure jumped trough the open window, and hugged me fiercely. Taken aback, I pushed the figure off me.

It was…DUN DUN DUN. Deidara, all crooked smile and wild hair. But there was something wrong about his stance, the way he held on his two feet, the way his eyes shone…but I ignored it. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I embraced him, unsure if he was some illusion or some dream, or if he was really real.

"Jamie, love! I thought you had died! I was so wo-" He had to go and ruin it all. I pushed him off me for the second time, and his happy-sappy expression turned into a vicious snarl.

"Cut the crap and drop the genjustu. You're not Deidara, no matter what illusion you use…Madara."

'Deidara' laughed a typical evil madman laugh, and in a puff of smoke turned into Madara.

"My, my, you've grown witty."

"I am witty in general, but let's face it – you were out of character. Deidara wouldn't be that sappy even if his life depended on it. Now cut the chase, and tell me what you want."

I crossed my arms and tried my best at a glare, but you see, the man was pretty intimidating, so I felt uneasy.

"You are in Konoha at the moment."

"And water is wet. Any other smart remarks, old man?"

He came closer to me, and with distaste, hissed:

"If I were you, I'd keep my tongue in place, least those more powerful than me cut them off."

"Heh. So go on, kill me. See if that's of any use. How did you bypass the system and got in the village?"

He laughed.

"Fools, all of them. So easy to trick. I'm afraid Konoha has grown weak with age."

"I daresay Konoha's weakness in age might be proportional with your madness over the years."

My breath was broken by a swift punch to my mid-section. I doubled over, on my knees, holding my stomach with my hands, panting for air.

"I did warn you, Jamie-san."

"What. Do. You. Want?" I managed to hiss in between struggles for air.

He took me by my arm and dragged me up on my two feet. He whispered in my ear more menaces, and stood a few minutes still and breathless to take pleasure in my struggle and trembling. He took great satisfaction in my fear. No more Mr. Megalomaniac. Evil Overlord mode was set on, and I knew I was in so much shit I couldn't even save myself with a ninja shovel.

"I'll scream."

"You're too afraid to do that. Look at you, you can't even look me in the eye and move."

It was true. Pein didn't frighten me. Neither did death itself. But being in the presence of Madara reminded me there were many things much much worse than death, and he knew how to make me feel them all if he wanted to.

"I have a deal for you, Jamie-san."

"What deal? The classic be a spy for me deal? Because if it's that -"

"My, now that's an intelligent assumption. Yes, that was it."

"No."

He took my chin in between his gloved fingers and almost closed the space between our faces. The man sure did know intimidation, but he didn't know personal boundaries.

"Think about it, Jamie. Say yes, and maybe I'll let Deidara live for sleeping with the main pawn. Say yes and I'll give you a nice photo of your daddy. I knew you had been wanting one since you figured out the clone…it's gone, by the way, that nasty, evil clone. Like it, many things you do not wish for and hate and fear will be gone if you join me. Many things, indeed."

He backed away to the window, and leaped off it, leaving me stunned in place, trembling and breathing hard. My legs felt wobbly.

As I sat on my bed, completely terrified, and almost an emotional wreck, his voice just kept echoing trough my ears.

'Think about it.'

'Deidara will be left alive'

'A photo…I knew you wanted one'

But my decision was already made. This wasn't about me, or about Deidara, this was about a whole world. I had to set personal fee-

Oh, who the fuck am I kidding. I didn't knew shit what to do. I didn't even know what was right and what was wrong.

I decided to sleep trough it.

'Think about it.'

I hid my head under the pillow, and started to sob uncontrollably. My limbs ached. And I fell asleep like the pathetic weakling I was.

***

***

That night, I dreamt of my family, of quiet evenings on the couch playing scrabble, of piggy-rides and my mother's laughter. Of me little when they knew everything and I asked questions about everything and anything.

That night, I dreamt of Deidara. I dreamt of his laughter reverberating against gray walls and of clay birds flying in the air above my head. I dreamt of his lips against my neck and his hair tickling my cheeks, of his calloused fingers intertwined with mine. I dreamt of words and jokes exchanged between the two of us, and evil kanji labeled "Real" and "Imaginary" trying to kidnap him.

I heard the window slide open later that night. I was awake in a mild state of insomnia, and because of the silence in the room, I could hear the stealthy footsteps that entered the room.

A hand came to my shoulder and 'shook me awake', which caused me to have the sudden urge to punch the one who did so in the face, because the dream was coming to a very interesting, naked mind-you, part.

"Oi, lionel, un."

The voice, it had the same intonation, the same annoying verbal habit, the same everything. I sprung up like burned.

"Deidara?" I asked, voice trembling.

"Missed me, yeah?"

'BOW CHIKA WOW. FUCK YEAH.'

.

.

.

"Ouch, why'd you do that for, un!"

"That was for being an idiot! And having me worried!"

"You slapped me, yeah!"

"I didn't."

"Then how do you call this?!" he almost screeched, and pointed to the red hand mark on his cheek.

"Oh, I just high-fived your face."

"You think you're witty, un. You're not." He hissed and grabbed my waist, pulling me closer to him.

I was hyper-aware of his warm body against mine, of his cold hands making way under my hospital gown, of his breath on my face.

"You either kiss me and screw me senseless, or fuck off."

"The screwing will have to be done later."

"I resent that. But we can't, I guess. Why are you here, besides wanting me all for yourself?" I wriggled my eyebrows suggestively, and he smirked and rolled his eyes.

"I came to warn you about Madara, un."

"Keh, too late. I swear that guy has the air of a wanna-be rapist. He offered me a deal to be a spy in Konoha. Not to kill you, you know?"

"Kill me? Why hasn't anyone told me of this, un? If I knew I was bait or a hostage, I would've played the part better. I would've actually hung out around the Akatsuki, yeah."

"Oh shut the fu-Wait, wha? You're not with the others anymore?"

"Hey, I always wanted to be an independent criminal, you know? I wasn't recruited because I wanted, remember, yeah? So I seized my chance, un."

"Oh, good boy. I'm proud of you." I said and leered closer to his lips.

"You're always proud of me, un. " He said, and started to bite my bottom lip.

"Don't flatter yourself." I said, and pinched his ass.

"Don't get too rowdy, yeah, I have to go. Someone's coming, yeah. I'll come back for you soon." He said, and made some distance between the two of us.

"But you're leaving me all hot and bothered here, you dick!" I hissed.

"If you want your nurse to see you going at it, go ahead, I don't mind. But Konoha isn't too friendly with criminals, un."

"Stop being such a smartass and get the heck out already."

"See you later, un!" he said, and laughing, got out of my room trough the window.

He just had to leave when I was getting into a mood. I huffed, and hurried towards the bed. Just as I pulled the covers to my chin and sighed contently, Aiako entered to check my stats.

"You have go to be kidding me." She whispered. "She pulled the IV out again."

She sighed in annoyance, and 'woke me.'

"Jamie-chan."

"Nrgh?" I mumbled, pretending to be still half-asleep.

"You pulled your IV again. We need to put it back."

"No."

"I'm calling Haruno-san."

Well, that convinced me.

"Mfkay."

"Close your eyes so you don't see the needle. And stop being so tense, I can't even find your vein."

It was over in a few minutes, but I didn't dare look at the thing stuck in my wrist, pumping glucose and whatever medicine they put in it.

"You can go back to sleep now, sweetheart." She whispered, and slowly caressed the top of my head in a gentle gesture.

I was happy, albeit hornier than ever, and decided that going to Tsunade and letting her know of Tobidara's evil plans was the best way to go.

And what better time that doing that? The morning, of course.

'Yay, more useless sleeping.'

***

"Morning, Jamie-chan." Aiako saluted me, while checking out my stats. Unplugging my IV, and being her nice, gentle self.

"Morning Aiako."

"I'm taking out your IV for good to-"

"YES! YEEEEEEEES! GOD PUT HIS HAND ON MY HEAD! LUCKYYYYY!" I yelled and jumped out of bed, jumping around and making a very embarrassing victory dance.

"- let Haruno-san do you a full corporal exam, and then take you to Tsunade-sama."

I stopped mid-twirl, and dropped my arms and lowered my head. I could feel the anime sweatdrops sliding off my hair comically, seriously.

"You just had to go and ruin it."

"Well, say thanks Haruno-sama let me tell you before. I don't think she likes you much."

"Figures." I said, and rolled my eyes.

I mean seriously, my person would seem suspicious if I were in her place too.

Rescued out of the Akatsuki base, with no basic knowledge of the language, with uranium in her body and the wildest, stupidest back-story to answer for it all, to boost? Pretty fishy, I say.

Not to mention I must've pissed her off when I called her pinkie…yeah, definitely that.

But I did wonder what Tsuande wanted for this poor soul that was I.

"We're all done. I think that after you'll speak to Tsunade-sama you will be allowed to leave the hospital."

***

But that day didn't come, because…well, something incredibly epic was bound to happen after a few chapters of 'uneventful' life, right?

An injured ninja barged in the main hall of the hospital just about as I was getting out with Aiako, and clinging to one of the nurses, spluttered blood all over the floor, while managing to whisper:

"Akatsuki…attack."

And then he dropped dead…okay, I was insensitive with that sentence, but I don't think I'd stay much in character if I'd say "And then with shinobi grace, he fell to the ground, face to the blinding ceiling neon imitating the path of shimmering lights he was bound to traverse as he would get to Ninja Heaven(tm)"

I don't need to say everyone got panicking immediately. Nurses were screaming, patients were having strokes, the medics were equipping themselves for battle and I was shitting myself in fear. Typical anime crisis atmosphere.

Aiako gasped, and turned to me. I held up my hands defensively.

"I didn't do anything."

"Come on, we have to take you and the other patients to safety."

I don't recall much of the time it took us to get to safety, a.k.a a hidden bunker under the hospital (I'm not even making this stuff up, seriously *). There was a flurry of panic, and crowds moving in the same way as us, a mix of nurses, and civilian patients, and shinobi guiding us. It was like in those army drills in the movies.

We took a massive elevator that went on and on for a while, so I came to the conclusion we were very, very underground, more underground than six feet under. We were pretty much safe from everything and anything…except for an earthquake, but let's not be pessimistic, kay?

The bunker was well-lit, with lots of make-shift beds and chair, and hospital apparatuses, as well as a large amount of food supplies huddled in a corner. In a small room was a toilet.

I made myself comfortable on the floor, near a nice elderly lad that started telling me Konoha golden age stories to calm herself down.

But I wasn't paying much attention, because if the Akatsuki were attacking Konoha, I was doomed…and it probably was my fault to top it too. The guilt ate at my stomach.

***

Days passed, with no sign from the outside. People were getting impatient, and many started to cry or break down on the second or third day. All that time, I was huddled up in my own corner, observing the others and trying to keep it all together, sometimes comforting the people that needed it, albeit I was never any good at it.

I wondered that if I had told Tsunade everything, including the future of their world I knew from the manga, it would've been all different. But there was no time for regrets, only worry and doubt that we will get out alive.

***

On exactly the seventh day **, a shinobi entered the bunker, and announced us that the war was over, and that Tsunade-sama had struck a deal with the Akatsuki leader.

To which I tensed, because I somehow felt I was bound to get myself in trouble.

***

AN:

*but the author is, because she wondered where all the patients in the hospital went when the invasion arc started.

** it's obvious I'm making this timing out, right?

Mary cherry: "The Authoress would like to not think Jamie is a Mary-Sue…but alas, other is the truth."

Jamie: "And just because you can't keep your funky imagination out of fanfiction!"

Mary cherry: "Well, at least we have the comfort that you are a Mary-Sue of circumstances, and not of person."

Jamie: "In English, please."

Mary cherry: "You're the average crazy Jane thrown in the most unbelievable and stupid situation possible, and that is what makes you a Mary-Sue…probably."

Jamie: "Whatever lets you sleep at night, ye filthy suethor."


	12. The Blow Them Up Happening

An: I would like to apologise for not updating since God knows when. I've been passing trough an awful depression these months, and wasn't in the mood for anything.

'Okay, Jamie, take a deep breath.

Step, step, step, and don't stare ahead, just at your shoes. It's going to be alright. Tsunade isn't such a cold-hearted bitch to give you into their hands…is she? Fuck, I'm screwed'

You know they often say auto-convincing does you worse, that it really doesn't help you. Theoretically at least. But you know how the say too – theory is theory, but the practice kills us. So, let's face it – my own 'it's gonna be okay hurr' speech wasn't really working.

On the contrary.

I was cold, scared shitless, and my only distraction was the dust that rose in the distance. Which really wasn't a good sign because lots of dust = lots of debris = lots of destruction = I WAS FUCKING SCREWED. But hey, I girl gotta dream. I'd probably get killed, or Tsunade probably wanted to pull a stunt, so either way, I was fucked in various degrees. I just hoped I got the lesser violent and skirmishing one of all.

I was starting to fidget Hinata-style and I felt a slight faint. Maybe all the semi-quiet days at the hospital had made me a wuss.

I was slightly aware that somewhere, Naruto was either kicking ass or getting his ass kicked by Pein, not necessarily in that order. So, with a little luck, Tobidara would have to leave for Sasuke's emo fest and forget about silly little powerless me.

The ninja that lead me to Tsunade left, and then I was alone with Tsunade at my side, and in front the evil megalomaniac himself – the greatest, most idiotic villain of all time – Tobidara, all evil cloak, evil smirk (even with the lollipop mask on, I could sense it)

Tsunade gripped my forearm gently, in what I think might've been a gesture of reassurance. And then logic grabbed a pan and hit me on the head: this was Tsunade! T-s-u- well, you get the idea. She wasn't one of them bad guys! She'd probably come to something that would send me somewhere back in the real world, or at least keep me safe.

I suddenly felt giddy, then suddenly insane because no normal person would have such mood swings. Let's face it – I was in plain hysterics. Whoop.

"Hello, Tsunade…Jamie" He greeted us, no honorifics, no nothing, just pure unalterated evil dripping from his voice.

Tsunade only nodded her head in his direction while I tried to make myself invisible – I really was turning into a wuss.

I was so scared, so scared I almost hid behind her. Probably all the nukes ordeal had left me with some sort of trauma, because all I knew at that point was that I was trembling, that my knees were shaking like they were doing the effing Macarena, and that all I wanted to do was run while crying for mom and dad. And Deidara, Deidara used to give me strength, maybe, so that's why I was so bold back then. But now I was alone and scared and oh God, I was too young to die, that world shouldn't have existed, and oh please, oh please, somebody save me before he gets his hands on me.\

Clearly, my mind was going haywire, because I made no sense even in my own thoughts.

But then, just as he was about to advance, something happened. Some God-blessed fucking dues ex machine event that looked like it came out of a Mary-Sue story. A rock fell and it killed him.

Lolol, just joking. I wasn't so lucky, not by any chance.

However, a deus ex thing really did happen – Sasuke needed help, or so I supposed, because he told Tsunade to wait a few minutes before he took care of some business.

Seriously, no respect, not even for her…and then it dawned over me – wasn't Tsunade supposed to be you know, recovering from…holy shit, that wasn't Tsunade.

I stepped back a few meters, and asked "Who the heck are you?"

"Clever, clever, really clever."

"You have got to be kidding me…Kabuto?"

And the genjustu fell, and in all his mighty almost-zombie glory there was Kabuto.

"Okay, dude, what the heck do you want from me? Have I not had enough – Akatsuki, Konoha, now you? Fuck my life. Fuck my life." I repeated, and stomped my foot.

Seriously, I only thought girls in movies did that, but alas, I was frustrated and unhappy and about to die, so hey.

"What are you doing here anyway? Aren't you supposed to be having some buttsex with Orochimaru? Oh wait, he's dead."

"I assure my butthole is still tight, and I have plans involving you and your life force."

"Oh, so that's why so much crap comes out of your mouth."

Looks like my lionesque bravery came back, woot.

"You are awfully unrespectful, but no matter – you'll be dead soon."

"You can't be serious; you want to be added to the 'people who want Jamie dead and want to use her because no one in this world would know she is missing' list? You have to be trolling the shit out of me. No one can be that unoriginal."

"You're a foreigner – no one would see you disappeared, in all the haste of battle."

"Well golly gee wilkers, I'm so sorry – Embryo me should've told mommy to rip her uterus out, stitch it tight, and pack it in a teeny weenie box with destination Ninja Land. And then I should've been found by an old lady who would've opened the box and pop comes the non-foreigner weasel." I rolled my eyes.

"You're extremely annoying."

"I know right?"

And then he disappeared. Gone. Poof. A sudden pain in the back of my neck, and I was out like a light.

Well ain't that deja-vu material.

Apparently, Kabuto worked with Madara. I was currently in an odd contraception that was sucking the life out of me. No, seriously.

It was a dirty machinery-like thing, sort of steam-punkish, like those things you see in bad movies with low budget.

So, apparently Kabuto needed some life source for God-knows-what. And apparently, the nukes that were in my body increased mine to about 5X the normal amount one has. Hard to kill, hard to die, that was me. I probably was harder to kill than Superman, but hey – I was stuck as a battery, so fuck my life. Chuck Norris had nothing on me.

And apparently, the whole kidnap-keep in suspense- put nukes in her- have 'em save her- off to Konoha was a very well plotted scheme. Who would've guessed they were so smart?

And I'mma let you in on something: I was dizzy. And when I'm dizzy it's sort of like when I'm high – I either laugh like I just saw pedobear chase a grown man or I start thinking stupid thoughts. Laughing was out of the question, seeing as I was so tired (hey, that thing was sucking the life out of me - literally). So I reverted to thinking of ways to kick Kabuto's ass if I got out. Observe the if. My luck had to run out at some point, ffs.

But again, Deus Ex Machina plot twist comes to my aid – Madara went to aid Sasuke, and then he knocked Kabuto out! Yay for evil villains that have some common sense.

And then (!) he suddenly starts unplugging me from the evil machinery, and I'm all like wtf? And then he went all smushy on me talking about his lust for Sasuke.

Haha kidding. I was hallucinating.

That's sort of normal when you're about to die, right? Except there was no white light, so maybe I am going to hell after all. Either way, Lucifer better be ready to give up his throne and let some booze and partying in. The King is dead, long live the Queen! The Queen of Hell does have a nicer ring to it, doesn't it? See – I told you I think about stupid things. But oh, what I wouldn't give to hallucinate about screwing Deidara. I'd at least die happy.

But Madara did leave to aid Sasuke, and Kabuto did get his ass kicked. How? Well, I'm going to tell you a tale of a damsel in distress and her pyromaniac knight on a white bird.

As you pretty much have figured out, Deidara made his appearance, all maniacal laugh and clay all over the place, and pretty much blew Kabuto to Konoha and back. Not that I'm giving Deidara powers he doesn't have no nu-huh, it's just that the timing was perfect – apparently the Oro side of Kabuto made him quite sick and he didn't last in a fight for long. Another stupid thought – Orochimaru is like AIDS. Everyone doesn't want him in their countries, and he changes bodies like a homicidal hooker on a good night.

I'm not getting into the gory details, sorry; I'm just going to be a bitch and fade it all to black on you. But you guys gotta give me a break – I was almost dead! No energy to think and breathe, let alone form a coherent thought and understand what the hell was happening in front of me.

All I knew was that blonde hair and lots of boom boom bang = Deidara, = rescuing. And with that thought I fainted just before Deidara reached the contraception. And I missed my chance at a cheesy movie-like kiss.

You know how awesome it is to wake up almost in mid-air on a giant clay bird? Fanfuckingtastic, let me tell ya. But I was in Deidara's arms, and his long hair tickled my shoulders just right, and his breath was on my left cheek and it was pure heaven, clouds and all.

"You awake, un?"

"Ah-hah. I'm pretty swell too, no pain, no nothing."

"Great."

"Deidara, the man of many words."

"Shut up, un! I was worried! You're pathetically weak, Kami knows what would've happened if I haven't had come to rescue you!"

"Gee thanks. You make me feel so useful."

"No need to sugarcoat things, yeah."

"No need to use tact, un." I mimicked him, which made him scowl at me in fake annoyance.

"I missed that, yeah."

"I know, I mean, you love me so much you might just miss me, right?"

To which he glared, and a semi-comfortable silence made its appearance.

"You should stop being such a sad wanker for once and tell me you love me. Is it that hard? I mean, I know you men have a fear of those little three words, but really…"

"Shut up lionel."

"Fuck you."

"Already did."

How I missed Deidara being so frustrating.

"So, what's next? Eloping somewhere far away, having a zillion ninja babies and forgetting all about these losers, being irresponsible and leaving them deal with their own shit?"

"Yeah, pretty much, except the zillion ninja kids – I don't want to be a father in the next ten years, yeah"

"But you still like the sex."

"Well, my penis does, so I guess I do too, un."

"Seriously now, wouldn't running off like that be a little irresponsible?"

"It's not our fight to fight. Besides, how could you help – annoy them to death with your astounding witty remarks, un?"

"Good point. But don't you feel bad for leaving the Akatsuki dot org, when you swore loyalty and shit?"

"Dot org, un?"

"Modern day wit you wouldn't understand.". He rolled his eyes at me, clearly annoyed.

"To answer your question, no, I don't. I was forced to, remember?"

"Well seeing as I was concentrating on your bare abs at the time…teehee."

"Did you just giggle? That's plain creepy, coming from you."

To which I pinched him, because that was the only thing I could do from that position.

"So, we're really going to 'elope' and live a clandestine life? Sounds awesome to me."

"Yeah, un. Where off too?"

"Sweden! I always wanted to go to Sweden!"

"We don't even know Swedish, you idiot, un."

"Fine, Japan. I know a bit of Japanese, you know a lot of Japanese, everyone speaks it, we'll somehow manage. You do realize out life is going to be a living hell for the first few months, right?"

"We'll manage, un. We could stay somewhere in a neutral ninja land for a while, I could sell some art to gather money, we get a small house in Japan somewhere, and we get a job, and nobody finds us because the Akatsuki disbanded. Yeah. And we lead your world's consideration of a normal, life."

"You really thought this trough, didn't you? Dei, are you sure? You won't be able to come back, for all I know, and you won't be a ninja anymore, and you'll have to adapt to modern life and shit. Why?"

"Because I'm sick of war and I want to do art, and I'll open one of those dojos as you call them and still train, and I just want to start all over. And because I love you."

"Wow, my life is so Mary-Sue-esque. Making a guy fall in love with me after what? A few moths?"

He rolled his eyes, and the bird flew faster. FAST FASTER TO WORLD UNKNOWN! *cough*.

After a few months of staying low and gathering money (by not only legal means – yes, I know, I'm a woman of such loose morals to let Dei steal stuff), we could finally leave for Japan, with the plan to change the gold money for real money, somehow, get a house blah blah blah.

And as we flew towards the horizon, I realized that if my life would've been made a story, it would've made many eyes roll.

AN: Brace yourselves for the epilogue, and you've finally gotten rid of reading this story.


	13. Epilogue'd

EPILOGUE

a.k.a the aftermath, or how I didn't get to be The Queen of Hell or how and Deidara made life, didn't have a zillion ninja babies etc etc etc

So, settling in wasn't easy, but we were lucky we found a nice little apartment very fast, and we moved in.

We've been living like this for over three years now, and I am proud to say that now I am as literate in Japanese as any of the locals! Yay, me.

Deidara followed his "dream" and started working at a near-by dojo, whose owner was very similar to Jackie Chan. A happy old man who gave Deidara hell the first few weeks, but after he saw he was more than capable, he became the sweet, but dangerous if pissed, old man that our neighbors told us he was.

He is happy, truly happy – he smiles more, he is more carefree, and he has this spark in his eyes I've never seen before. It was like falling in love with him all over again. He managed to get his sculptures exhibited at a few auctions, and those always make us some good money that last us a while. I always take a photo of each sculpture he makes, and we keep the photos in a special album. He's a little technologically challenged still.

He made me take over painting, and although I started from scratch, in about two years I was almost decent. It's a good way to relax.

I got a job as a waitress at the local bar, and even tho my lack of cleavage doesn't get me tips from sleazy old men, I get mean tips for my awesome serving skills. I think I'm a natural. My boss is the awesomest woman to ever exist on this planet – she even exhibits my crappy paintings, because she says the walls are too empty or something like that. She's also a 'gaijin', so I guess the common ground made us sort-of-friends.

I'm thinking starting Senior High School or a Senmon Gakkou again after we save up more money, so I can get a better job.

Deidara gets harassed a lot by Naruto fangirls, since he looks like…well, himself, even tho the series finished about one year and a half ago. It's like this shadow that still lurks over us, every time we see an old manga, or a poster, or an image on the internet.

I had to somehow get him an ID and a birth certificate, as well as some graduation proof – don't ask me how I did it, it's classified. I'll just tell you that at the bar I work there are some very interesting people hanging out, and I've become friends with a few of them. I know, not exactly safe, but need calls for measure.

Either way, we're happy. I don't think Deidara's going to pop the question soon tho, and I'm not complaining. I don't think either of us are the type to marry.

I know I joked about having ninja babies, but those aren't in the future, because we really wouldn't be able to take care of a baby right now. Probably after a few years or so.

Anyway, the whole point is: we're happy. Them ninjas didn't search for us, since they had better stuff to do. We live in Japan, people call us gaijin, and our life is not awesome, but it makes us smile more than it makes us frown.

Yeah, life is good.


	14. Author's final note

AUTHOR NOTE

I need to tell you two things: thank you and I'm sorry

Thank you for bearing with me and this story until the end. Thank you for reading, thank you for being interested and curious. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'm sorry for being a bitch with the updates, I'm sorry if I didn't respond to all of your reviews, I'm sorry for making you wait so long for the end.

Thank you, you guys are awesome, and I love every single one of you.


End file.
